love makes a house a home

here’s yet another entry i wrote that never saw the light of day. i originally wrote it on oct 10th, 2006. that’s the day before the 3-year anniversary of me finding out tamara was having an affair. i was right in the middle of the process of trying to sell my house, and planning on moving into raj and kiera’s place (which is where i still live now). i’m not sure why i never posted it, beyond perhaps not wanting to give tamara and/or her attorney(s) yet more reason to be more malicious toward me. (which they had been being.) or maybe my fairly raw spilling out of my thoughts and emotions seemed too much for me to post at the time. or maybe it was both. i don’t recall. whatever the case, here it is now.
———-< originally written oct 10th, 2006 >———-
it should be interesting, moving and living in a new place and all. hopefully all of the details will work out well. and hopefully i can sort of use it as a new start — shake the dust off my shoes and move forward, if you will. we’ll see. so far, forgetting about my marriage and her choice to have an affair and leave me has been something i’ve been unable to completely do. even though i’ve worked at fully forgiving her for the affair for a long time, and trying to restart my life regarding relationships, the destruction of what i had thought was forever, and the way she did it, and the things she has done to me financially afterward, makes it very difficult for me to move on. she not only hurt me as a response to ways she came to feel i’d hurt her, she then went on to completely take advantage of me in numerous ways. i’m pretty sure she’s created a villified version of me that she pitches to people who don’t know me (either very well or at all), something that helps justify her previous choices and actions. as much as it hurts me to know she does that, i can take solace in the fact that numerous mutual friends who knew both of us — who saw the events, who knew each of us, who talked with both of us — are still my friends; were surprised by her actions; think her choices were wrong; and think i did what i could to try and deal with a fscked up situation. believe me, i have admitted my failings to them, and have been quite honest about where i was at any point in time. if i was deluded or a liar or unfair, i believe they would have called me on it. i care about others’ opinions and views of me. but like a person who is surprise-attacked by someone they trusted, it’s difficult to handle the situation with poise and grace. we dealt with difficult situations, and i had points of failure, as did she. but what i didn’t do was craft a new persona of myself, find other things and people to fulfill my new desires, then cut and run. then come back for cash. her actions were not justified by anything i did or didn’t do. in her moments of clarity in that time she confessed as much. (i’ve seen it written, i’ve heard it said.) jesus, all i wanted was for us to be happy. but the person i was, the person i am, wasn’t able to do it. i couldn’t be someone i am not. the “me” then was the same “me” she married five years before then, and in the end it wasn’t what she felt she needed or wanted. she was also in a poor state of mind for numerous reasons, and some of the difficulties of the situations made me not be able to be the kind of supportive person i generally strive to be. i was upset about a number of things at different times, and was trying to deal with a lot of problems that seemed to be piling up for us. but G-d, what she did was not just or right or fair.
believe it or not, i do pray for tamara from time to time. i know she’s gone through a world of sh!t most of her life, in numerous ways. before, during, and after me. i wanted her to be happy. i wanted to make her happy. i loved being able to make her happy, to see her smile. i spent a lot of time in our marriage trying to do the things that she wanted, that i thought would make her happy. i didn’t say i always did that, or i was never selfish. but i really tried, and i think mutual friends who knew us over the years while we were married can agree with that. but the pain she has inflicted on me in so many ways is very difficult to see past at times when it comes to her. the ending — the lies she told me, the lies she told others, the things she did to me — makes it so hard to accept the failure of the marriage as a whole, and makes it hard to feel like the truth was known or used as an accurate measuring stick. it is very difficult for me handle feeling like lies were used to hide the truth, to marginalize and even deny my existence in the situation and what was done — that a result she herself deemed “unfair” is what she pursued in the legal system — these things eat away at me. what she’s done to me tears me up inside — both in anger and in sorrow; what’s she done to herself breaks my heart. it’s the incompatible mixing of those two things inside of me that makes it all so hard to find a way to deal with.
moving on is a process. it’s all much less intense, less often, than it used to be. but it’s still in there. i hope one day it will merely be memories, both good and bad. something that i will have learned from, that i will be a better person for having gone through. that i can empathize with and comfort others who are dealing with similar situations. but it was marriage, and that will always be sacred to me. the broken vows will always mean the world to me, and break my heart. it wasn’t supposed to be this way, but i have no choice. G-d knows my heart was broken and i was crushed under the weight of this — i think during her more honest moments, tamara was as well. G-d knows i tried to understand it and figure out some way to reasonably reconcile — i gave up most of my pride and my indignation to try and reconcile, but it was never enough.
it shouldn’t have been like this. but it is. here we are. G-d forgive us.

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