failure weblog

taken from tango via yahoo:
two of the three romantic attachment styles…
pursuer: individuals with this style expect a great deal of contact and closeness; usually want more time and attention than their partner does; are sensitive to rejection; get anxious when separated from their partner; want more information than their partner gives; focus more on what they don’t have than what they do; are often perceived as needy; are better at giving love than receiving it; get upset easily; hold grudges; are hyper-vigilant about their partner’s behavior.
avoider: individuals with this style want and need a lot of time alone; are often less talkative than the partner; are sensitive to any form of control; are often quite self-sufficient; give little information; withdraw when upset; have difficulty expressing their feelings; are often very involved in their work.
follow the link to read more, along with one of those kind of pointless self-scored quizes.
(title for this entry taken from the postal service’s give up album, “clark gable”)

when entries appeared on digg and slashdot about a webpage set up to shame some folk who’d decided to keep instead of return (with a reward offer, even) a sidekick that had been accidentally left in a cab, i was curious. so i went there.
evan was posting updates frequently, so it was fun to go back every now and then and see what progress or frustration had occurred. and there were a lot of both. the page started on june 6th and it was quite the drama…physical threats, legal threats, contradictory stories, helpful authority, unhelpful authority, enthusiastic public support, backlash, etc.
well, yesterday justice appears to finally have happened. which i am mildly surprised by, but glad for. the story even made it into the new york times today. congrats, evan.

well, gee. i had intended to write another entry within a day or two of the june 12th one…i even had a number of topics. unfortunately, the mundane details of life that amount to little but fill my waking hours kept me from doing so. such is life, i suppose.
a couple of weeks ago i finished reading the twelve (the lives of the apostles after calvary) by c. bernard ruffin. it’s a collection of information about each of the twelve apostles. it’s amazing how little is known about all but two or three. within a few pages i decided maybe mr. ruffin was high church. i figured catholic, but apparently from google he’s lutheran. but catholics like him. the book seemed well researched, and honest about what is known and what is unsure or contradictory or not know at all.
anyway, the book was interesting. i can understand why stories and histories weren’t written, or things happened and no one wrote about them. then after many years passed and those there at the beginning began dieing, and the church became more established and stable, people became interested but there was little info and much of it was a tangled mess of gaps and contradictions.
still, sometimes in the slick presentation and soundbyte style of modern xianity we lose touch with the inherent humanness and life of the church and the faith we profess. why so many american protestant churches have robbed their members of the depth and meaning of the traditions and history of xianity, i have a hard time understanding. it is a history of the faith of our fathers (good and bad), and the traditions are ties to the centuries of believers who came before us.
on to other things before i get swept up in a tirade about modern american xianity…
the movie i saw in austin with my brother was the puffy chair. it’s a road trip and relationships story, written and filmed for about $15k by jay and mark duplass. i think they used to live in austin, so i’m not sure how many screens it’s shown on (as it’s indie and probably a pretty limited release). but it was really cool. i’m not going to say it was great, but there was some greatness in it — mostly dialogue and delivery. the basic idea is josh (played by mark duplass) found a big purple recliner on ebay and bought it, planning to give it to his dad as a present for his birthday. (his dad had one just like it when josh was young.) he’s going to make a road trip to pick it up and deliver it to his dad. on the way he’ll stop for a quick visit with his brother, rhett. after an argument with his girlfriend kathryn the night before departure he decides to ask her to come along, which she does. they stop to visit rhett, who’s an interesting character in that spacey, deep yet shallow, kind of way. he ends up joining them for the trip. the rest of it is a comedy of bad decisions and awkward situations, leading to heightened tensions and the highlighting of weaknesses in josh and kathryn’s relationship. the movie has a low budget and indie feel to it, but i didn’t think it generally distracted from the well-written and well-paced plot and the good job by the actors. it had hilarious moments, but also some very honest moments about things that go on between two people in a relationship.
and speaking of relationships… (you saw this coming, right?)…

Continue reading “8 (and i don’t mention my motorcycle once!)”

my motorcycle turned two years old today. yep, two years ago today i drove away from a honda shop on a brand spanking new black 2004 vtx1300. as an unintentional birthday present, jay lee of the radio show i’m involved with recently put up a blog entry centered around a pic of my bike. thanks jay!
as i rolled it into the garage tonight and stopped, my odometer sat at 23898. that’s almost 12,000 miles per year. (i had hoped to hit 24k, but it wasn’t meant to be and i wasn’t going to get fake miles.) yes, i do use it as my primary means of transportation. (though it’s not my only means.) my bike and i have been through Texas, oklahoma, arkansas, missouri, illinois, tennessee (barely), louisiana, mississippi, and alabama (barely).
i managed to add about 700 miles over this weekend. i headed to austin on saturday, then on sunday rode with my brother to mason for a family reunion, then back to austin, then back to houston. that was a lot of riding on sunday. i was pretty freaking tired today.
the reunion was good, but i volunteered for something. hopefully that will go well. i saw my mom and dad there for a few hours. my brother and i also stopped by art and i showed him the electrical work my dad and i did while i was in brady. and while i was in austin i hung out with ash, who is visiting the states for a couple of weeks. hopefully i’ll also get to see him here in houston sometime during this visit.
i finished a book a couple of days ago, and i’ve got some other information i want to get on ye olde blog, but i’m afraid the riding around has plumb tuckered me out so i’m going to call it a night.

at the end of work today, on a whim i decided i’d go see art school confidential. two of my coworkers agreed to go with me, which was cool. unfortunately, i don’t think the movie lived up to my expectations. there were parts that were good, and some of it was pretty funny, but overall i just didn’t leave feeling content with it. i’d have to recommend the two movies i saw on sunday above this one.
after getting dropped off back at work, i hopped on my bike and headed to the house of pies for some coffee and a slice of coconut custard pie…
“it’s just, after i see a movie, i like to go get a piece of pie and talk about it. it’s sort of a little tradition i have. would you like to go get some pie with me?” alabama worley in true romance
unfortunately, no alabama is available to join me these days. i had to make due with mulling the movie over inside my head. ah well, hopefully the fates will smile on me eventually.

i started off the day’s activities by heading to empire cafe, where i had a late lunch / early supper consisting of a garden salad with ranch dressing and the pasta rustica with iced tea to drink, followed by a coffee desert drink they call a milky way. i like empire, and i’ve had all of the above before. but i should have stopped before the desert drink because i was freaking stuffed. perhaps the caffeine helped me with the rest of the evening though.
so then it was to the angelika downtown to catch a couple of movies. i wanted to see art school confidential, but the (movie) stars weren’t in alignment for such an event. instead, i caught brick and the proposition. both of which i’d only learned about by checking what was showing. although i didn’t know it beforehand, one thing they both had in common was a sort of mash-up or blending nature.
the proposition is a western. imagine any clint eastwood western…like the outlaw josey wales. or perhaps high plains drifter would be a better choice. this western is set and filmed in australia. the events occur during the british settling of australia. there are some disturbingly grisly scenes of violence, but a lot of beautiful scenery. the main villain is cut from the “intelligent and evil” cloth, quoting poetry and spouting prose as flippantly as he kills and/or tortures someone. the screenplay was written by nick cave. (if you know who that is.) i liked the movie, but it leaves you feeling somewhat unsettled by the events that have unfolded in the context of the hellhole you were dropped into when the lights dropped and the movie started.
brick is a sort of film noir, detective piece. except it’s set in the context of your typical high school film. it seems like a risky angle, but i was impressed and thought it was an entertaining and well-created movie. the plot and dialogue are driven by classic detective films (e.g., humphrey bogart films), but the situations and parts are all played out by high school kids (although they never seem to actually attend class). written and directed by rian johnson, edited on his mac, it’s his first out of the gate. i was impressed all around: dialogue, framing, plot, etc. it’ll be interesting to see what rian might pull off for a sophomore effort.
as with many things i see or hear, since i haven’t had the opportunity to move myself forward (in a significant way) in the area of dating and relationships it made me think about the events that unfolded with myself and tamara. i’d like to imagine i was brendan (the main character) to her emily: someone in love with someone falling apart and destroying their life, trying to help them, then after it’s too late trying to figure it out all for the memory of the person you loved. however, it’s more likely in too many ways i’ve been tugger to her laura, a dupe manipulated and taken advantage of by someone with bigger plans…a pawn used to her advantage. maybe some of both are true. of course, all tugger had was an old (as in years, not condition) fastback mustang. i, on the other hand, have a motorcycle. 😉
regarding that “manipulated and taken advantage of” bit…i’ll probably have more to say on that here in the near future. we shall see.

i took the bike to brady for memorial day weekend. i left saturday morning and came back tuesday afternoon/evening. i managed to get there and back without having to put on my rain gear, which was pretty lucky considering the amount of rain in my path during that timeframe. i hadn’t been home in a number of months, so it was nice to get away for a few days. my time away was interrupted by work several times though, unfortunately. but that’s the price i pay for being so important. 😉
i spent sunday and monday afternoon helping my dad do some work at our house in art. being outside (other than on my motorcycle) is pretty rare for me these days, and doing any kind of physical labor is even more rare. so spending around five hours a day for two days outdoors working with my hands was quite the change. we replaced some electrical wiring running from the house to the smokehouse, the guest house, and out to the water pump. so it wasn’t physically demanding or anything. but compared to sitting on my butt in front of a computer, being on a ladder running wiring, being attacked by gnats and surrounded by wasps and other flying insects, and doing it all in high 90’s under the sun is a bit different. it’s nice to do something that has physical end results instead of just mental ones. plus it’s hopefully helping to improve something i care about.
a couple of the nights in brady had clear skies, but i was too tired to go out under the stars. the stars are so amazing out there. you forget about the incredibleness of it when it’s always available, but being in houston where light pollution kills all but a few of the brighter objects in the sky, being able to see so many stars and the milky way is a jaw-dropping experience.
as usual, going home also gave me plenty of opportunity to think about my life. both during the solo drive there and back, and due to the slower pace of rural life. and probably the many years of my life tied to places i now only see on occasion when i head back that way.
sometimes i begin to wonder why i’m still alive. i mentally know there is still plenty of possibility of life ahead of me, i know there are some people who still care about me, and i know there are still some things that i find enjoyment and pleasure in. but sometimes all of that just doesn’t feel like it matters much.
i also know i managed to survive (what should be) the darkest days of dealing with the choices tamara made and what she did to me. i somehow pulled through a lot of days i thought my heart couldn’t possibly stand to hurt any worse or for any longer. days where i doubted myself and my ability to function at living. days where the betrayal of trust, the loss of any future i’d imagined, and seeing someone i love turn on themselves and me, threatened to push me beyond the limited ability i have to cope with rejection and pain.
now, as then, i know i’m not faultless for issues and decisions in our marriage that led to the circumstances that led tamara to choose to have an affair and treat me with such little respect or fairness. i still maintain i in no way deserved to be cheated on though, or to be treated as i was. honestly, i don’t think she was thinking about me or my feelings much. i think she had before, when things were simpler. and i think she imagined i didn’t think about her or her feelings much either. but she was wrong.
everything i lost in the course of events before, during, and after her affair still haunt me at times: a wife, a family, a close friend. so much possibility, gone. so much future, gone. so much…all gone. which doesn’t mean new versions of those things can’t be in my future. but it changed so much. things that weren’t supposed to change. so many big things i defined myself by, measured myself by, and had placed my hopes and future in, were simply gone. and there i was. surrounded by a world that still looked mostly familiar, but was anything but.
here’s to hoping i continue to work toward holding onto the positive things that define who i am as a person, and move forward rebuilding myself and my life into something of value to me, to those around me, and to G-d.

picked up a few new cds on monday…

• dale watson – whiskey or G-d (palo duro)
• enon – high society (touch and go)
• dntel – (this is) the dream of evan and chan (plug research)
• trans am – liberation (thrill jockey)
• grandaddy – just like the fambly cat (v2)

dale watson is of course a Texas honky tonker, and as far as modern folk go, one of the best imo. this is an album of stuff he’d done live and gotten lots of requests for, but never recorded. the european release was called heeah! (a track on the album, as is the u.s. title).
i didn’t really know much about enon…i bought it based on a couple of songs i heard on pandora. but the first track wasn’t anything like what i’d heard. the band evidently has a desire to not be trapped by anything except unpredictibility and deconstruction.
dntel (jimmy tamborello) is half(+) of the force behind the postal service. and i love the postal service. this is an out of print ep. i’ll be looking to pick up more stuff he is involved in.
i liked futureworld by trans am, but red line not so much. liberation is more electronic (like futureworld), which is good, but unfortunately it appears to be an album themed around an indignant response toward bush and america’s response to 9/11 and the “war on terrorism”. i’m not claiming i’m a flag-waving republican by any means, but i don’t really care to hear politically-charged propoganda from either side.
and last but not least, grandaddy is a group of skateboarding commune granola guys from cali (that’s my impression, at least) that play old electronic equipment mixed with guitars and a sort of indie/emo sensibility, and talk about the value of nature and interaction with it and other people. it’s good stuff. i’ve not processed this album enough yet, but my favorite has been sumday. evidently this is their last studio album and they are auctioning stuff off on ebay.
on to other things…
last week on the radio show mc frontalot called in while he was on tour. this past wednesday the folk documenting his tour came to the studio and filmed awhile, then he dropped in himself. he was in houston playing a show. after the radio show, i headed over to the proletariat to catch his set (the first time i’d set foot in the place, as i have a bad impression of it for both perceived image and personal reasons). it was kind of hard to make out his lyrics (or maybe the acoustics were bad where i was standing), but the band was tight and the live show was nice. it was interesting to see the crowd that showed up. and the many computer and geek culture tees they were sporting. i think top honours go to the guy sporting the cult of the dead cow tshirt, whom i learned a bit later was actually skout.
perhaps i should explain this whole thing a bit…you see, mc frontalot is one of the forerunners of the nerdcore genre — a combination of geek/nerd culture and rap music. in fact, he’s credited with coining the term “nerdcore hiphop”. others in the genre include mc chris, mc hawking, and mc plus+ (my personal favorite name choice). so there you have it.

got a few cds over the last couple of weeks…

• on – soluble words (epic)
• the clash – rockers galore (epic/legacy)

robb zipp gave me these a while back after the radio show.

• adult. – gimmie trouble (thrill jockey)

adult. continues to rock. not as good as anxiety always imo, but it still has some nice stuff on it.

• sbk, nikolai, dj dala – blueprint sessions, spring 2006 (indie)

i got this at a party i went to friday night. it was hosted and attended by people i work with, who work at the same place as me, or are related to those that do. plus a couple hundred other people. it was quite the shindy — beer, liquor, and probably a number of other mood- and mind-altering substances. i ate supper with brad and kelly at an italian restaurant, then brad and i dropped kelly off at her house and headed over to the party around midnight (on our motorcycles, of course). we left there sometime after 3am. i’m still well aware i’m not at all a partier.

• iron and wine – our endless numbered days
• bonnie “prince” billy – master and everyone

these two were given to me by groovehouse to check out.

• saxon shore – luck will not save us from a jackpot of nothing (burnt toast vinyl)

scott hatch included this with the black xxl burnt toast vinyl shirt he sent me. i’ve now finally got the entire order from him. but he did throw in this saxon shore cd and a the trouble with sweeney cd. scott’s a good guy.
i’m probably going to be making a purchase from ersatz audio here pretty soon. (the duo from adult. run ersatz audio.) also, i was looking around locally for albums by ms. john soda, veronica lipgloss, and some others, but had no luck. i guess i may have to mail-order them.
in book news, i finished reading upton sinclair’s the profits of religion last week. boy, he really had some harsh things to say. it was written in a conversational style, a lot of it dealing with events and goings on at the time he wrote the book – the late 1910’s. i thought it made some really good points about some of the hypocrisy and greed that has infected the church throughout much of history. of course, america — being a consumer oriented culture — has created a very different version than the historical roman catholic church. he obviously believed strongly in the value of science, but it was at times humorous because he was very confidently and harshly using the “facts” of science against religion…when the science has since been modified or almost completely changed. it was also kind of entertaining how enamored he was by socialism and how he was convinced it was going to take over america, considering how things played out historically. some of the references and such contemporary at the time were lost on me, and parts of it now feel like wasted energy since some of groups are gone or irrelevent these days, but overall it’s worth reading. yes, it’s obvious he has some animosity and perhaps a bit of a grudge, but honestly there are plenty of things the church has done and does that deserves an angry response. (especially when they try to couch it in spiritualism, or deny it.) there were some really nice quotes, but i didn’t mark up the book at all. perhaps i’ll have to skim it again sometime to pull some of the quotes out.

this is long, but this blog is for journaling my thoughts and experiences more than for providing pithy banter for any possible readers. although the latter does occur. (well, the “banter” part at least…i’m not known for being concise.) these details are being recorded for posterity…mostly my own.
where i work, you accrue vacation constantly. but there is a maximum value, which is based on your length of time with the company. once you hit the max, the vacation time you earn just disappears and you stay at the max. i’ve had this happen several times, sometimes for several months. kind of stupid of me, but sometimes i feel like i have work to do and shouldn’t be taking time off. shrug anyway, i’ve been maxed for a while, so i took thursday off to make 8 hours’ space in ye olde vacation bank.
a few weeks ago i was contacted by a recruiter for a large bank who shall remain nameless. he got my info from monster.com, because i figure if a perfect job is looking for me it should be able to find me, even if i’m happy enough where i am. i wasn’t confident about [big bank] or the job (first, it’s a big corporate financial entity; second, it sounded more o/s intense than my current experience), but i figured i hadn’t been on an interview in years and how do you know until you try, so why not? in our phone conversations i explained my background, my current skillset, my preferred work environment, etc. the recruiter went ahead and set up the interview. not by accident, i chose thursday afternoon.
i decided i’d do as i had done when i interviewed for my current job — dress like i’d normally dress for work (since presumably i’d be coming from work). that time, i’d worn doc martens, blue jeans, and a knit polo shirt untucked. this time i wore black motorcycle boots (the only shoes i wear), blue jeans, and a cream long-sleeve pearl snap western shirt (tucked in, which i usually don’t do).
my thinking on this is that i’ve already got a job i’m comfortable with, and since i am not doing a sales job, most if not all of my interaction is with fellow employees and computers. i’ve found that computers don’t care how you dress. i’m pretty sure they don’t even mind if you’re completely naked. (fellow employees, on the other hand….) do i understand much of corporate america, like the general public, judges based on artificial and arbitrary antiquated standards? gee…ya think? but my opinion is that i should present myself as i am, and i should be judged for my skills, my communicative abilities, whether i’d fit in, etc. if that’s not how someone else sees it, so be it. i’d probably rather not be working for them anyway.

Continue reading “wherein i learn i’m unprofessional. i’m so ashamed.”