well, now that i’m on the new server, let’s break this thing in right and proper. (and by “right and proper”, i mean just the opposite. it’s this clever style of wordplay i’ve been working on.)
before we start that, i just want to say the server move appears to have gone rather well and trouble-free. the only exception i’ve seen so far is somewhere between perl, mysql, and movable type, utf-8 is getting butchered. which means stuff input into the comment boxes in non english/western encodings is turning into question marks as it gets written into the database. i wouldn’t even notice, except i get a lot of spam in russian and it worked on my old server. (this also means ash can’t input chinese and have it look okay either.) i haven’t decided how to handle it yet. i may backup my database tables, wipe them, then reinstall movable type and see if it fixes things. once i google some more.
also, i picked up a couple of things on ebay and amazon:
- anxiety always – adult. (ersatz audio)
- pioneers who got scalped – devo (warner archives / rhino)
both of these are out of print. the adult. recording is the 2 lp version of the album. the devo recording is a 2-cd collection of various devo stuff spanning their career. it comes in one of those thick 2-cd boxes with special 3-d covers. the one i got is in great shape, and i paid about half of what they normally go for. plus it has some devo tracks i don’t already have.
anyway, back to the task at hand…
i don’t know if you noticed or not, but i’ve managed to piss/put off quite a number of people in the recent past. both my parents and cynthia on here, obviously. i also miffed at least one co-worker, as well as the hrc and sue. perhaps this will all help bolster my “bad boy” image. (since those are a hot commodity i hear.)
although it’s not conscious, it appears as if i’ve developed a lack of my normal discretion. (such as it is. oh, you may think it’s minimal…but you have no idea what i really think inside my head.) whatever the cause, i’m assuming it is at least somewhat connected to the recent stronger feelings of general disappointment/dissatisfaction toward life i’ve been experiencing lately. i mean, really, i don’t feel like my life has much merit in the grand scheme of things. by that, i mean i’m not achieving any meaningfulness from my current life situation.
sometimes i’m content to be nothing, but sometimes the pointlessness discourages and saddens me. why do i own a whole set of drinking glasses? why do i have a set of dishes? why do i keep things that take up space and hold no value beyond sentiment? why do i own 9/10th of the stuff i do? if i had more initiative i’d sell off a bunch of stuff. but it’s easier to just give it away to friends. maybe they can find value and purpose in some of it.
speaking of that, one of these days i’ll be shipping off tamara’s detritus to her parents. why i should even care about being nice or respecting her stuff after how she treated me, i’m not sure. it’s funny when a positive trait turns into a personality flaw. at this point though, it’s not even about feelings any more. tamara is just a fscked up chick, just like she always was — which is not to say she didn’t have some wonderful traits as well, because she did — but it’s not about tamara herself, but instead the negative effects from my life and heart being tied to someone like her. the cause has become background noise; the mental and emotional effects are what linger and matter.
all of this makes a recent text exchange seem even more hilarious:
[!me] whenever u r free to hang out let me know
[me] free at last! free at last! thank go…i’m free pretty much whenever.
[!me] i guess i forgot u live the good life — no accountability, a different hot girl every night…[…]…you f*cking bastard. d*mn u and your carefree lifestyle
[me] man, my life sounds pretty d*mn good. i’m gonna have to get you to describe it to me more often!
because you see, i’m not looking for this “good life” i’ve been gifted with.
i figure if i’m not pissing you off, maybe instead this will make you: concerned about me, annoyed by me, and/or feel pity for me. but most likely i’m just pushing everyone further away. it’s not really the best case scenario, but i suppose it’s the ultimate consolation prize.
seeing as i worked friday night, i used some of my time during the day to go by and talk to the mechanic about the engine i want to buy and have put in my car. he was cool with it and discussed other things that would have to be purchased, along with various work that might have to be done. i’m going to order the engine and have it shipped to his shop. once i find the credit card i procured for just this purpose. maybe this will help ease me out of my existential funk. nah. but at least i’ll have a working, cool car to stare at or drive while i’m feeling regret for life not unfolding well.