earlier today i got an interesting email. here it is in its entirety:
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2008 15:14:31 +0100
From: c.moore7 Gazeta.pl <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.
Â I felt very sorry and bad for you, that your life is going to end like this if you don't comply, i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do itÂ within10 days.Â Someone you call your friend wants you dead by all means, and the person havespent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told us that he wants you dead and he provided us your names, photograph and other necessaryinformation we needed about you.
Â Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out thenecessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stopfor a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something goodand sympathetic about you. I decided to contact you first and know why somebodywill want you dead by all means. Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyesare on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be. Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you areready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might justspear your life, $12,000 is all you need to spend.
You will first of all pay $2,500 uder 48hrs thenÂ you wilI pay anotherÂ $2000 after that i will send the tape of the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $8,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now. Warning: Do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because Iwill extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebodywant you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well. For your own good I will advise you not to go out once is 7pm until I make out time to see you and give you the tape of my discussion with the person who wantyou dead then you can use it to take any legal action.
Good luck as I await your reply to this e-mail contact:
interesting, eh? somewhat chilling, even though the bad spelling, request for money, and clandestine nature of the thing (not to mention the math… $2500 + $2000 + $8000 ≠ $12000) make it scream poorly executed nigerian internet scam. so i did a quick search on the subject line on google just to see if others had noted this round of scam email.
and, of course, they had. unfortunately, it turns out they first started seeing them in late may — which means i didn’t get one for almost a whole month from the time they started being sent. it makes me feel like a net loser. *sniff* *wipes tear from eye* in fact, some others had replied to them and gotten responses about sending money via western union and such. i figured my online pride was at stake at this point, so i decided to sit down and write a reply.
NOTE: those of you who are offended by foul language and unnecessary vulgarities, as well as bad grammar, poor spelling, and general nonsense (such as all caps), may want to stop here. you have been warned…
To : "c.moore7 Gazeta.pl" <email@example.com>
Cc : firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject : Re: SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.
GOD DAMIT! I KNEW THAT SON OF A BITCH EX OF MINE WOULD TRY TO
GET BACK AT ME, BUT HIRING POLISH-FRENCH HITMEN IS CROSSING THE
GOD DAMED LINE! WELL I'LL SHOW HER SORRY ASS! I'LL PAY YOU TO
LEAVE ME ALONE AND TAKE OUT HER NO GOOD PIECE OF SHIT ASS
INSTEAD!!! WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN WORKING A DEAL LIKE THIS?
LET'S FACE IT, I DONT WANT TO FUCKING DIE AND YOU COULD MAKE
SOME EXTRA MONEY FOR YOU AND YOUR BOYZ. YOU WOULD THINK SHE
WOULD KNOW I COULD OUTSPEND HER SINCE I FELL INTO ALL THAT
MONEY FROM THE LOTTERY AND EVERYTHING. BUT MAYBE SHE'S JUST
JEALOUS THAT I'M ROLLING IN IT AND SHE'S GOT TO SIT THERE
AND WATCH ME RUB IT IN HER FUCKIN FACE. PLUS IT DOESN'T HURT
I GOT MONEY COMING TO ME FROM SOME NICE CHRISTIAN FOLK AND
SOME ESTATES OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN FUCKED UP WARZONES. I
CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK ON HER FACE WHEN YOUR BOYS SHOW
UP AT HER PLACE, AND NOT WITH THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT MY DEMIZE.
YOUR A REAL PEACE OF WORK CHARLES, ALL SCARFACE AND SHIT
ABOUT TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT. LET ME KNOW!!!
remember, i’m playing the role of an ignorant person who would take such a scam seriously. although obviously i’m slyly — or not so slyly — referring to the country codes on the email addresses, other nigerian/internet scams, etc. so don’t anyone get some kind of kooky idea that i’m in any way, shape, or form serious about anything i wrote.
*sigh* i hate having to make a disclaimer, but some people on the internet are rather dull of mind and may think i’m serious about…well, any of it. (no, my name isn’t actually “NICK”. and no, as a matter of fact, i did not win a lottery. i know, i seemed convincing, huh?)
unfortunately, i got a bounce back as undeliverable to the email@example.com account. it pains me to think that after all of the many hours i spent crafting such a beautiful missive, it might go unread and unappreciated by the senders of the original email.