here’s another bit of soul-baring i did back in the past, but never got around to posting for one reason or another. looking back, i actually posted an entry on the same day a little before the timestamp on this one. i’m betting i split the entry and held back this part. why? i don’t recall. maybe i didn’t want to post something sad or something. maybe i didn’t want to be quite so honest about my doubts and loneliness.
whatever the case, here it is, two years later (plus a couple of days). if you don’t feel like reading about my woes and troubles, sadness, doubt, pessimism, and that sort of rot, skip along to some other post of mine.
—–< originally dated: 2006-06-26 22:28:43 >—–
right now i’m kind of down. eh, it happens. i’m probably better off without tamara, especially considering all of the things she’s done and chosen over the last few years…i’d probably be in even worse financial shape, plus be tied directly to her ongoing issues. but even that doesn’t make me feel like the things that happened were right or for good or that this is the way things should be, because in my mind i know better. i know i had made a vow and i loved her, and i was trying — imperfectly as it may have been — to find some way to make things work. i know what happened and what i’ve gone through is not right. but i’ve had to go through it nevertheless. the burdens she’s put on me make me angry because i know it’s unfair, but i still feel sorrow that what i believed in turned into something so ugly and painful and corrupt.
but that’s life. i know that. it’s just really not easy for me to accept. i want everything to be more logical — you do good, you receive good. you try your best, you are rewarded for it. but that’s not reality. “the rain falls on the just and unjust alike.” (matt 5:45) “but mostly on the just because the unjust have stolen their umbrellas.” (rejoinder found online)
i also don’t want certain people to read this and think i’m claiming i’m faultless or played no part in any of the problems in my marriage. i know i didn’t always make the best choices or be as supportive/comforting as i could have been. but i was trying. and i staunchly believe that all of my faults and failings did not add up to what i received in return. i’m just really sad that the vows and all of the good possibilities were choked out and destroyed. there was good there. there really was. and it was killed.
great. now i’m putting more stuff online so everyone can think i’m messed up or wonder why i can’t seem to get over things or whatever. i always just kind of hope that someone who views marriage and commitment and emotional betrayal in a way similar to me will read and understand what i’m going through and how long it can take for events to be processed. this wasn’t a “try it out” thing for me. there was no “backup plan”. my choice was a new single path in my life. now it’s gone — and in a spectacularly horrible way — but i’m still here, left behind, trying to deal with this hole i’d never expected. plus having to go back to the beginning in that aspect of life and start over. it’s a pretty daunting task for someone who doesn’t find the positive in every experience, and didn’t exactly date so much. at all, really. pretty much. yeah, yeah, i know you’re surprised to learn i wasn’t dating all the time, or in numerous long term relationships. but it’s true! and i’ve not yet found something or someone that will help give me that kickstart to forget about the past completely (well, mostly at least) and move forward. suggestions? (and no, Jesus, G-d, and/or the Bible, nor any other religious response is an acceptable answer.)