update: the secret to success

okay, a few people seemed interested in my discussion about the secret to success, so i figured i should probably update things. i’m afraid i haven’t yet purchased any patch, balm, pill, etc., but the fine people pitching the products keep sending me more information. oddly, i don’t recall signing up for it, but it’s certainly brought some things to light for me to think about. here’s one i got just a day or two after the previous one:

Subject: Your friends are giving it too her

Don't have her cheating on you just because you have a small P$NIS!.......

Don’t let her get it from someone else. A recent survey has shown us that 4 out of 5 women who cheat do it because their spouse has a small P$NIS.

Another survery shows us that 3 out of 5 men have a below average P$NIS.

a few things i immediately noted:

  • * i wouldn’t say it was my “friends” that were giving it to tamara, as i didn’t particularly know or care for alistair. unless there is something i don’t know about. hopefully the sender just misheard what happened.
  • * my “P$NIS size” was never given as a reason for her cheating on me, but you can’t argue with statistics can you? i mean, it’s pretty black and white.
  • * 3 out of 5 are below average. i guess there must be some mighty big ones skewing the numbers.

but it continued:

Do you need anymore evidence?

If you are ugly, there isn't much you can do.

If you are stupid, there isn't much you can do.


If you have a small P$NIS, then there is something you can do:

<url removed>

as if the previously quoted statistics weren’t enough, they give a whole second line of evidence. frankly, it is irrefutable. i mean, how can you possibly argue with evidence and reasoning like that?
i should note i was afraid i might have been breaking some laws by printing the above email though, as there was a disclaimer on it that said:

ATTENTION: This electronic message and attachment(s), if any, contains information which is intended solely for Men that have a small P$NIS. Unauthorized disclosure, copying, distribution, or other use of the contents of this message or attachment(s), in whole or in part, is prohibited without the express authorization of the sender of this message.

being both a law-abiding citizen and knowing a little free advertizing wouldn’t hurt, i figured i’d make sure and get the express authorization. unfortunately, the sender’s identity couldn’t be verified nor authorization received, since the email appears to not be functioning. so i was afraid there was going to be no way for me to get approval. almost miraculously, i somehow got an email later from the very same email address (that appeared to come from my own ip, oddly enough) telling me it was fine. i have no idea how they knew what i was planning, but i appreciate it nevertheless.
considering the evidence: success in life, maintaining friendships, saving one’s marriage — i didn’t see how i could possibly not go forward with this modern medical miracle. so a few days went by, then i got this one:

Confidence and pleasure is sold along with Pen!s Enlarge Patch.

i found it pretty impressive that they sell confidence and pleasure as well. i couldn’t tell if they were a part of the single patch product, or if they are perhaps a seperate product or products. whatever the case, such an impressive bonus just sweetened the deal. my mind was made up. i must have this product!
then i got this one:

Try Pen!s Enlarge Patch and she would want to swallow your pen!s.

this kind of unnerved me a bit. swallow it? doesn’t that imply it’s been detached? and what exactly happens that makes her have this desire? is this some kind of side effect? my complete devotion to the product faltered just a bit. could this not be the easy answer i thought it might be?
then this arrived:

With Pen!s Enlarge Patch you can wrap your pen!s around your hand three times.

huh. okay, i’m having trouble even imagining this. i mean, assuming even a smaller hand width, that’s gotta equal something like at least 20 to 25 inches at a minimum. to be honest, it kind of frightens me. it really seems like a problem more than something to be proud of. (although i think we know who is skewing the average now!)
so there i was, all set to use this exciting new product — but now i’m thinking maybe i should just be happy with my moderately successful self.
although i might still look into the confidence and pleasure.

3 comments on “update: the secret to success”

  1. Are the confidence and pleasure sold separately or only as a set. How much is this patch anyway? At any price, it must be a steal and worth every penny. I’m glad they gave you “permission” to speak about it with the rest of those 3 out of 5 of us. Thanks for the public service announcement.

  2. Ditto what Natalie said.
    Thanks to this entry I’ve discovered new loud and bizarre noises I can make; trying to stifle fits of hysterical laughter at work isn’t as easy as it seems.
    You funny.

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