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i watched the second set of Texas ranch house tonight. i think it's funny how some of them keep saying "cows" instead of "cattle". my dad made sure to reprimand me every time i said "baby cow" instead of "calf" because he didn't want me sounding like an ignorant city slicker, so i got a good learnin' in the proper terms for things. i'll have to miss tomorrow's episodes due to the radio show, but in the previews it appears jared gets captured by indians.

after the show i decided to go get something to eat. it's weird how randomly things hit me sometimes. i was walking out to the element and suddenly i was thinking in the moment how hard it is to believe this is my life. that events have unfolded so that i am where i am right now. it's almost surreal. unfortunately, not in a good way. but it makes the world seem almost unreal...like i'm not actually in my life but acting through my body in situations that aren't real. like i'm playing a video game (and i don't like playing video games much, even though i love computers and computer culture). it continued...

i stopped by the grocery store. it was 10pm but i couldn't find any signs big enough to read from my vehicle saying what their hours were, so i went ahead and parked. as i was walking up, a female security guard was opening the exit door for some people coming out and she looked at me seriously and gruffly barked "we're closed!". so i smiled and quietly said "excellent!" and started to turn, at which point she waved goodbye to me (as in "get out of here, goodbye"). so i gave a thumbs up as i walked away.

i then drove over to taco cabana, where i got to witness what i'm assuming was a drug purchase while i was sitting in my car talking to jack on my cell phone. i was kind of worried they might think i was an undercover cop (i've kind of got the odd cleancut-yet-grimy look), so i didn't stare at them or try to see what they were doing. plus i've seen an ambulance wheel away a bullet-ventilated body from that parking lot before. and everyone in the restaurant seemed awkward and odd, like they were too quirky to all happen to be in the same place at the same time. and it felt like the edges of my vision were fuzzy and dark, like reality faded as soon as it got out of my field of sight.

maybe there's some sort of glitch in the matrix right now. i just need to take some soma and everything will be good again.

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"but it makes the world seem almost unreal...like i'm not actually in my life" -----

I had this feeling after my divorce, but it has since subsided. It'll be OK man... Maybe there IS a glitch in the matrix!?

for months i felt like i was numb, like i was shell-shocked from the unbelievable reality i could neither circumvent nor process. it's much better now, but i still occasionally find myself dumbfounded (and/or saddened and/or angry) by the choices and actions of my ex-wife and the loss of what direction and security i thought i had in my future. it's still a difficult loss, particularly because of the way it all went down with her and the way she chose to do things in the months (and years) following.

i think finding new things to move me forward helps...i'm still trying to do that. i know it's a process, but sometimes i wish i could move on to better things more quickly. i've already wasted enough of my life on what she did.

I wonder if viewing so-called "reality TV" and watching other's lives makes it easier to take that surreal step outside your own. I've had that rare moment too.

i'm sure watching reality tv puts me in a mindset to view events as a third party observer and to put other people's shared experience more prominently in my thoughts. but it's not all that uncommon for me to have short periods where i feel skepticism or disbelief about my life as it exists and my past, as well as current thoughts and beliefs and actions and he things going on around me.

maybe i watched too much tv in my formative years to really live inside of my own life experience comfortably. events i never imagined happening actually happening just ramps up the shock and awe factor.

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