flatlining for fun and profit

tamara backed down on picking up her stuff yesterday. i don't know if it's because she knew she was trying to force something that wasn't actually in the divorce decree, if she misunderstood things and was just being understanding, or what. no matter. i really needed some time to try and pull things more together in the house.

unfortunately, that's just going to give me more time to fall apart.
when i was driving up to the house today, i saw the element in the driveway and for just a split second i thought tamara was already at our house and would be waiting for me to get home to talk and eat and do something with our evening...like my mind had gone on autopilot with that thought like it used to do years ago. i haven't had that mental experience in probably a year or more.

why the hell can't i just let it go? our marriage got fscked up and she chose to have an affair and leave me. that's it. there's nothing i can do about it. she chose to push things beyond what i thought i could ever see being repairable, but i chose to try and work through it after she asked for reconciliation...i tried everything i could think of that was reasonable and then some, most of it multiple times, and i got nothing in return but pain and more heartbreak from her. she chose to keep seeing him, to keep having the affair. i didn't know what i could do.

but it's still there inside of me. i still wish it could be different. i still wish she could be the person i thought she once was. i want to believe that person really existed, and could still exist. even after the horrible, unfair things she's done to me to prove how little she cares anymore. what is the purpose...what is the point of this fscking unrealistic hope that still lies buried deep within me?

it's been near two years, i've been trying to move on, isn't that enough? why do i still feel so much heartbreak? why do i still find myself thinking of the good things we had (because we had plenty of bad things i could be concentrating on instead), wishing we (i) could figure out some way to pull things back together? why can't i accept that none of this matters to her, and if she doesn't care then it doesn't matter how much i care? instead, i just find myself wringing myself out mentally and emotionally, with no obvious value other than my own self-destruction.

at least i can thank G-d it happens less often than it used to, i suppose. i pray G-d can give me peace to deal with this, and hopefully to become a better person through it in the end. i need to feel this can end up having some kind of positive result on me, even if the events themselves were not positive.

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