failure weblog

today as i left on my motorcycle to go eat at sylvia’s enchilada (a great mexican food restaurant on westheimer toward highway 6), i noticed a couple of white folk going up to my next door neighbor’s house. mormons? christians? activists? the guy was older, mostly bald with short white/grey hair and a well-trimmed beard, wearing slacks and a sweater. the woman with him was blonde and skinny, wearing tight black slacks and a tight blue dress shirt.
as i got on my bike they walked over to me, which made me figure they were indeed going door-to-door. then the guy spoke: “do you not have any problems with your neighbor?” he had a heavy russian — or at least slavic — accent. she hardly spoke. it turns out he lives in the house caddy-corner to my back fence (thus sharing back fences with my neighbor) and is annoyed by my next door neighbors. he said they’ve been throwing trash in his yard, throwing or shooting things at his house, yelling things, etc. which i have no doubt is true, because while the guy and his wife are nice, at least one of their sons is an annoying idiot. i think it’s that he hangs out with trouble kids more than that he is one himself, but unforunately he is currently choosing a poor path in life. tamara and i had numerous problems with him and his friends over the years (mostly petty vandalism, though one time they dented up and marked on tamara’s kia sephia), and they still continue to be a nuisance. i wouldn’t doubt it if he was involved with the kids that were breaking into houses in our neighborhood (and stole my ipod, 13 dvds, and some other stuff).
the white guy seemed pretty frustrated and kept going on and on about them. unfortunately for him, my neighbor’s wife can hardly speak any english and she was the one who was home. (my neighbor’s english isn’t so great either, but it’s better than hers.) i think some of it may have been a lack of understanding of the stupidity of kids, but i’m sure he has some stuff to be justifiably annoyed about as well.
it’s too bad he was fixated on his frustration, because it would have been kind of nice to have a conversation with him and find out where he was from and such. plus his daughter was hot (i’m assuming it was his daughter), and maybe she needs a good Texas man with a loud motorcycle and american citizenship to help her out. 😉

let’s see…the latest purchases in music:

• the little darlin’ sound of stonewall jackson: the mighty stonewall jackson sings modern hits and original favorites
• the little darlin’ sound of johnny paycheck: on his way
• cake: motorcade of generosity

i already have the first “little darlin’ sound of” release of johnny paycheck. i thought the stonewall jackson album would be interesting. and i love “rock and roll lifestyle” by cake, but for some reason just kept putting off buying their first album. i’m currently looking for the little darlin’ lloyd green album. he was little darlin’s house steel guitar player.
i’m also slowly working my way through my christmas present from my brother: a 7-cd box set of re-releases of all the original johnny cash sun albums (each one containing the original album plus some bonus tracks of alternate takes, unissued, demo versions, etc)…

• johnny cash: with his hot and blue guitar
• johnny cash: sings the songs that made him famous
• johnny cash: greatest!
• johnny cash: sings hank williams and other favorite tunes
• johnny cash: now here’s johnny cash
• johnny cash: all aboard the blue train
• johnny cash: original sun sound of johnny cash

let’s see…i also recently placed an order from scatch (scott hatch), my arch-nemesis and owner of burnt toast vinyl:

• woven hand: woven hand
• woven hand: blush music
• woven hand: consider the birds
• bosque brown: plays mara lee miller

woven hand is a project by david eugene edwards from sixteen horsepower. i’ve been meaning to pick them up, i just never had done it. throwing some scratch the way of ol’ scatch seemed like a good way to do it. (as compared to throwing scatch the way of ol’ scratch.) i also picked up a burnt toast vinyl black t-shirt. i knew bosque brown was in dallas, but i just recently read the album description on the burnt toast site and realized she is originally from stephenville. that’s where my grandparents lived, where my mom grew up, and where my mom and dad met (because my dad went to tarleton).
and last night i went to blanco’s and listened to james hand. he invokes hank williams in dress, voice, and stage presence. during his first break i talked with him and told him i saw him in san angelo months ago, to which he quickly responded “and you still came to see me?” they were good at that show, but the audience was totally not into them and in fact they had to deal with some heckling. it was pretty lame. gene, the guy that plays bass for dale watson, was playing bass for him last night. i drank, i smoked my pipe, but i didn’t dance.
on to movies…
on friday i rented and watched pretty persuasion. it was a biting, dark satire on american culture. because it’s set at a school, it brings to mind election. and i must admit, it’s got some similarities. sometimes the irony is a bit too obvious or stretched, but i think it says some very accurate but sad things about our culture. and it’s funny, but you’re wincing and annoyed at the same time. there’s little if any nudity, but a lot of implied and just-off-screen sexual activity, plus a lot of crass sexual comments and such. i didn’t expect it to be quite as dark as it was (kind of like when i went into election).
i think i’ve also decided that i’m finally going to break down and join netflix. i used to do cost-benefit analyses in my head over it, and my renting habits were just too random to justify the cost. but after talking to some people, i think joining netflix will actually alter my watching habits and get me watching more stuff. plus it’ll give me a much larger pool of movies to pick from. and if i see some trailer for something, i can add it to my list instead of having to try to remember it and look for it the next time i go to rent something.

thanks to a visit to the briar shoppe in rice village, i am now the proud owner of a peterson cara smooth (ebony pipe with a sterling silver band), style 69 (as seen above). i also picked up various accessories and four one-ounce bags of tobacco: accountant, ambrosia, amaretto, and colombian mocha (it would appear “things starting with the letter ‘a'” was popular with me that day for some reason).
i have since realized buying pipes online is a much better deal. but, oh well. it was my first real pipe purchase, and being able to see a variety in person and actually handle them was part of the experience. we’ll see if this is something i pick up, or if it is a short-term interest. either way, i figured i might as well jump in head first so i know that if i don’t like it that it isn’t because i was working with cheap equipment and tobacco.
friday night i rented and watched the baxter. it’s a romantic comedy, but not standard pop movie fare. while sometimes it seemed like they were overdoing the quirkiness of the characters, and it sort of felt like british characters except they were american and it was set in the u.s., i enjoyed the plot and the execution. a clever twist at the very end (i mean the very end) really made me smile. but all in all it was nice.
sunday afternoon and evening i rode around with brad and kelly. we ate at the amazon grill on kirby, then headed downtown and went to the franklin street coffeehouse (which i’d not been to yet). after that, we went to brad’s and he helped me give my bike a highly-needed cleaning. i ended up going with them over to a friend’s place, where several folk gathered to eat and hang out. it was cool being in a group of people that i feel like i actually have something in common with as far as interests in music, movies, and faith. of course, they were pretty much all a lot younger than me. oh well, can’t have everything. i didn’t leave there until like 4am or something…monday morning hit not too long after i put my head to the pillow…

the coworker i “like to take weird pictures of” and a couple of other guys from work took a trip out of the country over the holidays. in addition to coming back with some nice pics of examples of engrish, he brought back grab bags of asian snacks. most of it was okay or good, but the centerpiece was certainly the small snack bag of dried minnows…or some kind of small fish. some of them even had a sesame seed or two stuck to them, perhaps in an attempt to show that these really were for consumption.
i don’t like fish, but i decided in the name of cultural diversity i should try one. plus a chinese coworker was popping the things like they were chips. i made the mistake of smelling them before eating one. they smelled like minnows. i popped it in my mouth and chewed. oh. my. G-d. it was like someone had unloaded a whole bait bucket of super-concentrated powdered minnows…a veritable explosion of the essence of fish…inside my mouth. i’m not sure what kind of difference the stray sesame seed or two could possibly make. i couldn’t swallow it but i didn’t want to spit it out, so i grabbed a strawberry collon biscuit roll (another imported snack) and popped it into my mouth. where i created strawberry and minnow biscuit mush, which i forced down my throat. gah.
so much for my foray into foreign cultures. i would say my facial contortions were really sad, except another coworker — after having involuntary contortions as well — began scraping at his tongue with his fingers. so compared to that, i was perfectly civilized.
oh yeah, also yesterday t.u. won the football national championship. congrats! being an aggie, i don’t really root for t.u. unless they’re playing a team that isn’t from Texas. basically, i root for the aggies and any team from Texas that is playing an out-of-state team.

well, i didn’t make it to all four films. everything was going fine, but when i got out of fun with dick and jane and looked at the clock, it was already 10pm and there was no way i was making it to the alamo draft house in less than 15 minutes. so i only made the first three.
capote was interesting and very well done. i really like philip seymour hoffman, so it was nice to see him get a quality leading role (even if he was an executive producer and thus tied to the film in other ways). i’m not familiar with truman capote as a person or much of this story so i can’t talk about how hoffman did portraying him, but i can say the acting, directing, pace, etc were all excellent. it didn’t leave me dumbfounded or numb or anything, but it did a good job of telling its story.
the squid and the whale reminded me of wes anderson some in the previews, so it was a pretty mild surprise to find out wes was a producer on the film. (which i connect to the use of robert yeoman as the cinematographer, but that’s just a guess.) the term “dark comedy” gets overused these days imo, but that’s certainly where i would put this. realistically dysfunctional people trying to live out life as a marriage falls apart, infused with plenty of sadly and genuinely funny moments. there are really no good or bad people, no two-dimensional major characters merely around for forwarding the plot, just messy screwed-up people with good and bad sides. if you go to the movies for an escape from real life, this probably isn’t for you. unless you have a simple, wonderful life and relationships, and an escape is seeing the ugly messiness of others. the intellectual pretentiousness of the dad was humorous, but painful to watch since it’s kind of a trigger issue for me.
sue joined me for the third film, fun with dick and jane. it was supposed to be a light breather inbetween the other films, but ended up being the closer. the plan was for jack to join me for the fourth, but he had backed out for rest before i realized i wasn’t going to be able to make it. anyway, the movie was enjoyable and funny, although fairly typical popular comedy stuff. i got about what i expected from it: to laugh and see jim carrey act silly and occasionally get to see what was obviously him doing impromptu stuff that was funny enough to leave in the final cut. it wasn’t a stupid, plotless comedy, or a pre-teen-level raunch-fest, but i didn’t really expect that. (that would have been a disappointment.) i hadn’t known this was a remake of a 1977 film until i went to imdb this evening. this one made obvious social commentary on enron and some of the other recent corporate scandals, where most employees lost their shirts while the top guys made off okay or even great. and just in case you didn’t catch it, they blatently tell you at the end. (*sigh*) but don’t watch it for its statement(s) because that’ll leave you fairly unfulfilled — watch it because it’s funny.
all in all, it was an enjoyable way to spend the day and i think i made pretty good choices since i didn’t leave any of the three feeling let down or disappointed or like i’d wasted my time.
since the fourth movie was a bust, i changed plans and sue met me at the house of pies. unfortunately, i ended up talking about tamara, which i usually realize i shouldn’t really do about a minute after i leave and am all by myself. it’s just always emotionally difficult to hear what new way she’s found to either deny any value in me and/or our marriage and relationship, or how she’s trying to act as if it never happened.
i know i shouldn’t really be affected by this any more (or at least i feel like i shouldn’t), but it still hurts that i gave her my life and loved her — and i know for a fact there were good times and love and shared life — and this is how she is about it and me. i try to be a good guy that people can respect and like, and i care about what people think, so it’s very difficult to have someone appear to think so negatively of me. (especially since i invested so much in her emotionally.) but i suppose she needs some way to try and deal with the choices she (and alistair) made, and to deal with the ways she feels i failed her. (and that wording is in no way to imply that i did not actually fail her in some way(s).) i guess it’s my own fault for choosing to put my faith and trust in her and tie my life to hers, but relationships and love and trust and faith are risks and sometimes (hopefully not all the time) you lose. and obviously i lost, in any number of ways. it’s just not supposed to happen when you choose to marry. but i refuse to retroactively go back and try to erase my failings and deny her good attributes. i want to try and see the failure of my marriage as truthfully as possible — to embrace the good and learn from the mistakes — so that (G-d willing) in the future i can make someone the best husband that i can be. i feel like it’s all flawed now because i’m divorced, but i don’t really have any control over that. i pray for G-d’s forgiveness of our failure, and that he will bless my future in this facet of my life.

i’m off of work today, so i’ve decided to make it a movie day. i played with moviefone, getting lists of movies i’d like to see that are showing today, and built a plan. here it is:
capote – river oaks – 2:15pm (109 mins)
the squid and the whale – the angelika – 5:30pm (81 mins)
fun with dick and jane – the grand palace 24 – 8:10pm (90 mins)
syriana – alamo draft house – 10:15pm (126 mins)
i could tighten that schedule up and maybe fit in one or two more, but i kind of like a fairly relaxed pace and this should give me breathers and plenty of travel time. there are some other movies around that i’d like to see, but they weren’t listed on moviefone so i’m guessing they aren’t available to see right now. (not including king kong which i’m mildly interested in, munich which i decided to not try to fit in, and narnia which i’ll wait on). some are probably already through their runs, like murderball, a history of violence, hustle and flow, and good night and good luck.

friday i decided (with natalie‘s assistance) to drive to austin to see dale watson. you see, he’s going on indefinite hiatus starting jan 1, 2006. we got to the continental club around 10:45pm and there was a line to get in. i was worried, but the line slowly moved and we made it in during the first song of the night. it was a good show, and i’m glad to be able to say i saw dale’s “last” (for now) austin show.
the next day we got up and headed to kerbey lane (the one near campus) for lunch. unfortunately, my brother’s timeline never lined up with ours, so i didn’t get to see him. after spending a few hours at kerbey lane, we headed back to houston. all in all, it was a nice road trip. (aside: it’d be cool if i could find a job in austin.)
when we were just getting into houston, i got a call from jack and sue to see if i wanted to meet the potts family for supper at chuy’s. which i did. i’m glad they’re still my friends and include me in their collective life.
afterward, i stopped by a tobacco shop and picked up some pipe tobacco. for some reason i’ve been thinking about trying to give smoking a pipe another shot. i’ve always grown frustrated in the past because i don’t pack it right or something, so i have to constantly relight it. anyway, i had a nice chat with the guy working at the store, and bought some filters, pipe cleaners, and some butter rum and cherry tobaccos (actually, he gave me free samples since i wasn’t sure what i wanted). i then headed back to the house.
they say whatever you’re doing at new year’s, that’s what you’ll be spending most of the next year doing. i’d thought of going out and finding some random female to hug and kiss, since it’d be nice if i could be doing a lot of hugging and kissing in 2006. but then i thought it might mean i’d be hugging and kissing a lot of random women, so i decided against it. i’d seen that wayne hancock was supposed to be playing in houston, so i figured that would be a cool way to ring in the new year (cool live music and all). but it turns out the show was cancelled or something. i looked around and didn’t see any other shows of interest going on. around 11pm i called jack…he answered but had obviously been asleep. he said sue was up and i could try calling her, but she didn’t answer so i left a message.
so how did i ring in the new year?
i smoked the pipe some (still frustrating), then sat alone in my house on my computer reading stuff online. looks like it’s going to be another bang-up year… 🙂
(the idiots around my neighborhood firing guns up into the sky…i assume that’s where they’re firing them and not at someone…are just the icing on the new year cake… and for the record it’s not that i didn’t have any offers for things to do for new year’s, it’s just that i didn’t do any of them…but in the end, does that really matter?)

that’s a great line from the album i’ve been listening to fairly frequently lately. it was a xian hardcore band called six feet deep. (although friends of friends called them “six feet thick” because their sound was very heavy, chunky, thick, plodding, wall of sound stuff.) anyway, that line is from the first track (“angry son”) of their first album struggle, which came out in 1994. lyrics follow…

Continue reading “please, set me free. i’m becoming the epitome of what i oppose”

actually, i didn’t go hunting while i was home. i haven’t been hunting in a number of years. i just like the sound of the phrase and how for a time it was one of the favored catch-phrase/sound-byte “reasons” for school violence. some of them media folk are real swift.
i did go out to the gun range and put about 100 rounds through my kel-tec .380 and walter ppk/s. they had no problems with any of the ammo, including hollow-points. very nice.
my charles daly, on the other hand, didn’t fare so well. when i first got it some months back, it was having problems misfeeding. my dad seemed to fix that by replacing the stock clips with wilson combat clips. unfortunately, when firing this time, it would frequently lock open as if there were no rounds left even though there were. hopefully he/we can figure out what is causing this, as it’s a nice looking gun and i wouldn’t mind keeping it.
while there, i also got to fire some rounds through a 9mm beretta cx4 storm and a bushmaster ar-15. i might just have to pick myself up a bushmaster sometime soon.

i mentioned cynthia in my last entry…she’s a hometown girl i dated from the summer or fall of 1994 until late 1995. this started after i graduated from a&m in may 1994 with no job and ended up living with my parents doing part-time menial labor dead-end jobs…my life was headed for great things — a rocket scientist doing carpet cleaning and janitorial work. we got engaged in june of 1995. i called everything off in september or so of 1995 because it was pretty obvious (to me) that it was all going to end poorly, and quickly. unfortunately, in late 1996 i went back to sort of seeing her from time to time (i didn’t want to date, but i kept visiting her). anyway…she’s gone through a lot of stuff in the last 10 years regarding relationships, marriage(s), etc. (i get to find out these things when i come home.) i would like to say it shows my wisdom in that area — figuring out to get out and wait (even if my actions didn’t show strength of resolve at all times) — but these days i can’t say my next choice ended up working out much better. i bet cynthia and i wouldn’t have lasted two years though…maybe not even one.
and i’m clamoring to get myself into another relationship? i don’t think anyone i know would call me a dreamer, or even an optimist, but i do think i’m a bit of an idealist and somewhere inside of me is the belief that i can have a wonderful, loving, committed lifetime with someone. i’m too much of a realist (or pessimist) to believe in the fairy tale version, but i really don’t want to give up on the hope that there is something wonderful out there for me in regards to relationships. what happened with tamara stings horribly, both for the ways i feel i failed (whether small or large, short-term or long) and for what she did to me and has put me through, but i don’t want that failure to scare me from being able to acheive the goals i would still like to believe are available to me in my life.
and while we’re on the topic of failure, i’d like to state the obvious: my domain name has the word “failure” in it, as does my blog. i get asked often why i would choose such a negative word to represent myself. first off, people need to nurture a better appreciation for sarcasm, irony, absurdism, and other forms of humour. these things are wonderful. and secondly, i’m completely and utterly petrified of failure. (bet some of you saw that one coming.) what better way to try and weaken what you are scared of than to embrace it, to champion it, to wear it? it’s the defense mechanism of a perfectionist. (and a questionable psychiatric methodology for trying to overcome phobias.) if you embrace failure, the only way to go is up. but it’s more a mental parlour trick than any functional way of appropriately dealing with life.
and since i recently mentioned it’s a wonderful life… clarence, angel second class, wrote in his book: “remember george: no man is a failure who has friends.” (inspiring, ain’t it?)