“relationship material”

you know, you would think with the total number of years of my life i’ve spent being nowhere near having a relationship it’d be no big deal by now…second nature, old hat, the comfort of familiarity. somehow, that’s not the case.
then again, come to think of it, i never really enjoyed it back before i was married either. i still continue to miss and crave companionship, and still find myself hopeful that one day i can try to be a good husband and father. (and i’d rather it be sooner than later, since the idea of being an “old” dad kind of scares me…not that i’ve got much choice in the matter these days…)
as much as it would be easy to just completely blame tamara and/or alistair and have nothing but hatred for her, i know that i had (have) faults too and her decisions and choices were not made completely independent of my part in our marriage. still, it amazes me what she was capable of in the end. i still don’t understand how the person i knew could treat me like she did or do the things she’s done. of course, part of the reason for that is that she became a “new” person and walked away to a “new” life. she made a decision to shed her life and chose to create a new path. she also chose to do it in a horribly destructive way. i, however, remain the same person, left to pick up the pieces from the wreck she left behind.
i certainly hope G-d has been able to teach me something about myself and about other people from this fscked up mess. i’d hate to end up convinced this is all random and meaningless.