remember that time i said i was perusing match.com and ran across a photo in someone’s profile where it looked like tamara was taking their picture in the mirror? well, i’ve gotten a negatory on it being tamara from several people. anyway, i include it here for informational purposes:
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i still think it looks a lot like tamara. or maybe what tamara looks like in my mind. i wonder who this person is?
and now re-use of material from an as-of-yet unsent email:
to be honest, i’m still in a fragile place as far as my life goes. sometimes i feel like i’m moving on, sometimes i feel like my life is going nowhere and i don’t know how i can move on. much of my sense of self was tied to my role of being married, of being and having a companion, and that void is difficult for me to deal with at times. the most important role of my life is gone and i’ve got nothing good to show for it, just memories and things to be sold or thrown away. and the great unknown of a future that may lead me absolutely nowhere. i try to hope for a better future, but sometimes i just get overwhelmed by the loss i’ve experienced, by my failings, by life. i want to move on, but sometimes i’m so fixated on my loss, my failure, i can’t see past it. i hope for a better future. i pray for happiness. i’m just not sure how or where it will come. i’m seeking focus, purpose, meaning, but it seems to be something transient, vaporous, that eludes my grasp even as i think i have taken hold of it, even in that very moment.
it seems like i need to find peace with myself before trying to find solace in others, but at the same time me focusing on myself is most likely not the best way to get past the stuff i am dealing with.
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failure is not an option. it's a requirement.
I’m glad you commented on my site so I could find your blog. We can always count on you for Texas history info. You must have read that entire book in 7th grade. As I recall, it was the book we all were scared to have to carry when we became 7th graders because it was so large.
As for the possible Tamara picture, a couple of observations. First, it looks like a 2-fer deal since there are 2 in the picture. They don’t look too bad, but between the 2 of them, they couldn’t figure out how to use the timer function on their camera. Therefore, the intelligence factor doesn’t seem too high.
I’m glad to hear you’re moving forward with your life.
Just wanted to say, the above comments are exactly what I am feeling. A loss happend and I have not been able to get over it since.
I am normally not the kind, but the whole ten years of my life not spent the way I wanted, planned, worked, to get there; and the years I can never get back, is so depressing.
Yet; when I know and am aware that the more you think about what you dont have or what you dont want, the more you get it, its maddening.
I go to think to create good thoughts, now even more so that I am more conscious of my thoughts. Yet; the logic of where I am, how long it would take, who is not available anymore, what can never be no matter what, how It wouldnt be appropriate to have that same dream now, how nothing else will do, or getting it old.
Just amazingly damaging to having the “fire” to go after your goals, or even want to.
The saddest part is; I know beter; I know that it is crazy to think in ways that does not evolve and move on, but for some reason,although I dont wish to die, I feel like nothing to come in my much older future, could ever replace what I lost that I had sufferd too much to await in paitence, then lost before I had a chance to taste it.
I am angrey at god, yet I know from everything I am taught it is not God, but negative influences, personal responsibillity, cruel people, lessons, etc.
Yet; no matter the reason, I keep feeling no matter what my creator would not have let me go through….”this”.
Whatever this means to me.
I see all that I am greatful for, but that few things that I thought for sure I “had” to have, or whom, that I thought for sure all was on track for that, destiny, is to hard to let go of, forgive, etc.
I am hoping for a miracle that my rasional mind says is impossible.
Can not belIeve I of all people am in this.
Dont mean any bad on anyone else, just thought I was not vulnrable to this type of dispair.
My heart goes out to anyone who is going through the same, I can not tell you It will be okay, all I can say is, I feel the same and pray for us all who are in this, to recieve help from the highest power of all. Stumbled to this site, dont know if it is even still up. Blessings to everyone of love, peace and a “happy” fufilled life.
I happened to Google my first name, and this is what came up. It most obviously comes far later than your post, but I hope by now you’ve found peace and solace and all else you were aspiring for.
Sincerely,
Another Tamara
I hope everything has been resolved for you. It is just odd because I look slightly like the girl in the picture. Same hair color at least lol