well, as you’ve probably been able to figure out if you read my blog regularly, i’ve been going through some rough times emotionally lately. especially the last month. but it goes back a few months. it might have seemed overboard or incongruent with what was going on in my life from what you read on here.
but there’s a reason. and, of course, it’s a girl. what else?
without going into much detail (at this point in time), much was claimed and promised but in the end she just…tapered off interaction with me until she stopped completely. no reason(s), no explanation(s). the few times i did manage to get hold of her (after not hearing from her for days or even a week) she gave me reassurances that everything was okay. but it wasn’t. what a spectacularly crappy tactic, eh? it left me dealing with a one-sided conversation, trying to figure out if what she said was true or if her actions showed motives/intentions she kept to herself. i myself was too deep in to just walk away like there was nothing there. i still don’t know, but i have to assume she decided i wasn’t worth it but didn’t have the heart and/or guts to tell me. very odd, and sad. i’m guessing she lost interest in our friendship as well. but who really knows? not me.
when jack had to come over on the 11th (and he took me to empire…haha), it was really about my current situation more than the anniversary of the affair announcement from my marriage. but my current situation was similar in aspects, so the anniversary was sort of a twisting of the current knife. the sum was greater than its parts…a kind of emotional harmonic frequency was reached. my “cutting through the haze” entry (oct 15th) is full of really awesome “hidden” meanings, even though a lot of them weren’t pre-planned (i.e., the band names and album titles. the cake lyrics, however, were intentional.).
wednesday night (oct 14th) i finalized my decision on what i needed to do, and sent her an email to give her one more shot at talking to me. *crickets* thursday night i had to ask jack to come over again, because i was having a hard time dealing with my decision (which also involved collecting stuff at my house with connections to her). ironically, he took me to brazil, then to the tea house. jack also reminded me that i had told him back at the beginning this was how things were probably going to end — me abandoned, and hurt. and sure enough, between then and now (with the help of her many professions and claims) i developed very strong feelings/bonds, and believed good things were going to happen between us. (very clever, earlier me. earlier me knows i’m an emotional, sentimental softy on the inside. and could see i was likely to get hurt.) once back home, i sadly sent the email.
friday i had the day free because i was working downtime in the evening, so i used the day to drop something off at the previously mentioned person’s apartment complex office. that’s not really how i wanted to deal with it, but since she won’t talk to me or see me i didn’t have much choice.
i also dropped by the post office to mail some stuff. in line in front of me was this really cool looking chick with tussled bleached hair (like tamara wore her hair at times), 0 gauge or so plugs in her ears, a cool shirt (kind of like some the recently stricken mute girl wears), and a tattoo of a skull and crossbones on the base of her neck and another skull tattoo with some writing on her right wrist. in fact, she was visually a lot like tamara and my recent loss mixed together. i wanted to talk to her, but i reminded myself what has come of my previous interest in girls like that and avoided opening my mouth.
i ate a late lunch alone at tacos-a-go-go, then went by a bank to talk to someone there. that’s part of another story, which i will get into in a different entry sometime (hopefully soon).
for the record, i’ve come to the conclusion i have some kind of cosmic bond with the guys in cake. or maybe they just like old cars and date the same kind of girls i have. hopefully i can change that. (the “kind of girls” part, not the liking old cars or dating parts.)
“you keep pushing me away
in spite of what you say
i found out yesterday
that i’ve been wasting all my time
trying to make you smile
trying to make this seem worthwhile”
–cake “take it all away” from pressure chief
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failure is not an option. it's a requirement.