must i [biggiesize]? (it’s safe and natural!)

if you’ll recall, a while back i posted how some folk who apparently cared a great deal about my personal mental health and well-being — as well as my success and happiness in life — were letting me on the secret to unlocking such things — by increasing the size of my…male organ. eventually they got a little frightening with their claims, so i decided to politely pass on their wonder-product.
recently, i’ve been getting a new series of messages from some more caring folk. i’m a little confused about exactly how to take what they appear to be trying to tell me though…

Subject: Are you satisfied with the size of your breasts?
Increasing your breast size can improve your life, attract new partners, change your love life, inrease your self-esteem. Choose the best breast enhancer [biggiesize], as it is safe and natural.
High level of service. Your order will be packed discreetly without revealing of content details. Fast shipping!
[biggiesize] is the unique chance to return your womanhood!

(product name changed by me, by the way — but the sentiment of the original was similar)
am i “satisfied with the size of [my] breasts”? why are they asking me this? i must admit, i can see how that would attract new partners and change my love life! i’m not sure about increasing my self-esteem though. and i don’t even know what “return your womanhood” means. was it stolen from me? did my parents not tell me something? at least i can rest assured it would be packed discreetly.
then i got this one:

Subject: Have beautiful breasts you have always dreamed of.
If you don't want to have potentially dangerous surgery while creams and pumps don't work, take the benefits of natural herbal capsules [biggiesize] to obtain your goal breast size. The results are permanent and really amazing.
[...] Your order will be shipped with no indication as to the content to ensure your privacy. Full confidentiality!
Improve the size and shape of your breasts and surprise your partner.

okay, so it's true i dream of beautiful breasts. but i think they got confused about one thing -- the ones i'm dreaming of...they're NOT MINE! i'm sure the results would be amazing a number of ways. the permanent part doesn't make me feel any better about it. and if i had a partner, i have little doubt she would be surprised. and again, they make sure and let me know everything would be completely confidential and private.
then this one comes into my inbox:

Subject: Start a new life with beautiful large and firm breasts!
Embarrassment of small breasts and low self-esteem are buried in the past for those who have discovered a natural breast enhancement [biggiesize]. Herbal capsules are safe for your health and even improve it by removing blockage of veins, for example. It has no side effects.
We ship worldwide in safe and discreet wrapping.
[biggiesize] is a "little secret" of your life success.

again with the discreet packaging! "no side effects"? "start a new life"? "LITTLE SECRET"?! i'm going to go crawl into a corner and curl up in a ball and rock back and forth for awhile now.

4 comments on “must i [biggiesize]? (it’s safe and natural!)”

  1. You’ve got to admit Terry, I don’t think you’ve ever considered this avenue as a means to “improve your life, attract new partners, change your love life, inrease your self-esteem”, have you?
    It all makes so much sense! I say give it a go. If nothing else I’m hoping that you will at least return your womanhood.
    Come on Terry, return it.

  2. look, i already admitted that i like and just bought a bunch of expensive candles and candle accessories (and froofy scents at that!), that i like froofy mixed drinks, and i probably already confessed that i like some chick flicks. there’s no way i’m going to admit if i’ve ever considered that avenue.
    but even if i did, the emails say this is definitely permanent. i can’t really just “give it a go” as apparently my “returned womanhood” would be sticking around.
    let’s face it, the better thing would be to worsen my life, attract no one, maintain my lack of love life, and embrace my low self-esteem. actually, that’s about how things are now. okay, i’ll give you that…but i’m still not admitting anything.

  3. I think the problem is that we’re getting each other’s spam. All of mine are for “male enhancement”, go figure.

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