new rules: vehicles with flames

while i was driving to work this morning, i decided there needs to be some rules made for vehicles with flames. this could mean flames in any variety of locations: on your gas tank, on your hood, in your chrome grill, in your window tinting, as stickers on the side, whatever.
anyway, if you’re going to be driving a vehicle that has flames on it, there are a few general expectations one should be able to have about you…
1) you will not stop at intersections where you don’t have a stop sign. especially at intersections where the other person does, thus forcing them to wait for you to move again. (since you have the right of way after all!)
2) you will not wait inordinate amounts of time to pull through an intersection, or to merge into traffic. this is double-true if you have right of way. this is triple-true if you are waiting for someone who doesn’t have right of way who is waiting for you because you do!
3) you will drive at least five miles over the speed limit. this is actually a sliding scale, since at highway speeds you should drive generally at least ten miles over the speed limit.
4) while driving in multiple lanes, you should be willing to make rather fast lane changes in order to get around traffic and keep your faster pace. you should under NO circumstances actually be the one holding up traffic!
in essence, you will not be a meek, insecure, unsure, panty-waist of a driver. you have f’ing flames on your vehicle, for G-d’s sake!
note: i will make an exception for vehicles where the flames are obviously an ironic statement about the general unworthiness of the vehicle. but everyone else with flames needs to get their sh1t together because i’m not putting up with it any more.

7 comments on “new rules: vehicles with flames”

  1. 5) You MUST be wearing Terry’s flame-print stocking cap (or a reasonable facsimile) at all times while driving the vehicle.
    …you tell ’em Terry! 🙂

  2. i am putting flames on the ol’ camry as we speak!
    special rules for cars are good.
    the opposite is true if the person driving is driving a HUGE car from the 80’sor older!

  3. A little road rage today, Terry? On this same topic my primary beef is with what I will call the “overly courteous driver” or OCD. This ties in nicely with Terry’s rules 1 and 2. An example to illustrate: When on a two-lane road, the OCD will see someone waiting to turn left and backing up traffic behind him/her. The OCD will then stop and attempt to signal the other car to turn in front of him/her. Unfortunately, this catches the other driver by surprise and usually the OCD is too inept at communicating his/her intention such that the other car doesn’t clear the intersection in anything less than another 15 – 20 seconds. Meanwhile the traffic behind the previous car has doubled and traffic going the other direction has also come to a halt. Had the OCD simply continued on his/her way, the other car usually could complete the turn in the same amount of time, after the traffic has cleared, without delaying all of the drivers behind the OCD. Additionally, upon occasion, one of the cars behind the OCD will try to go around the stopped OCD on his/her right. This will usually occur just as the other car starts its left turn. This results in a near collision between the two and further delays as the now-befuddled left-turning car has to determine if he/she will be allowed the right-of-way in order to complete the left turn. Once this is finally resolved, of course now the OCD and the car stopped on his/her right have to go through the same process of gesturing to each other about who should proceed first. With any luck, the car on the right will go first and the car that is now behind the OCD will also make a move go around him/her on the right, and thus the process continues ad nauseum.

  4. i really didn’t get too flipped out when building toward this particular entry, but it struck me as ironic that someone with flames on their vehicle would drive meekly.
    OCDs as described above can be pretty annoying as well. especially when two of them end up building a left-turn standoff where cars in both directions are backed up.
    and when i was speaking about cars with flames, i was not referring to *actual flames* (looks over in the direction of the potts family wagon).

  5. Sorry about the long rant, but I don’t have a blog of my own. And if I did, it would probably feature about one post every couple of months.

  6. there’s no need to apologize. those without blogs are in a position superior to those with, so you should be happy with your bloglessness. (i just needed a reason to type “bloglessness”.) my blog should probably feature about one post every couple of months as well. 🙂

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