you know, it probably isn’t good that i feel like my life is on pause constantly these days. like i’m just sitting around waiting for something to make me change. i guess i’m not much of a self-starter. i think it’d be cool if tamara came to her senses and wanted to try to have a relationship like we should have, but there’s obviously no point in me waiting on that or thinking it might happen. i need to do something that restarts my life. a big piece of my identity was as a husband, and now i’ve got a big hole where a good chunk of my life used to be. what i’d really like to do is be able to resume my role as a husband, and hopefully add a role as a father. although sometimes i think maybe i’m not very good at the former, and wouldn’t be very good at the latter either. i don’t want to be desperate and do something stupid though. but it sure sucks having someone you love, someone you trusted — even if things weren’t always good — decide to give up on you and cheat on you and walk away. i miss that companionship, that intimacy, the joy of shared memories and secrets.