the first post-confession e-mail

note: this is one of a number of entries that were lost in a server crash, followed by a desktop crash, back in late 2004. on march 1, 2009, i happened on a cache file on the crashed desktop hard drive, so i am reloading all of the entries with their original date and time values intact for posterity.

tamara sent me an e-mail this afternoon. she said she confessed her adultery because i should be able to make informed decisions about our relationship. and to “respect my wishes” she’ll move out of the house.
one good thing — she said she is willing to persue “even — maybe especially — Christian counseling”. this is good because in the last couple of weeks she was adamant about not wanting to see a xian counselor. why could that be? i’m assuming it’s because she didn’t want to have anyone tell her what she was doing, the way she was acting and thinking, was completely wrong and sinful and that her marriage vow is a given. well, at least until one commits adultery.
of course, at the time she was telling me this stuff i didn’t know she’d done something so completely stupid and so disrespectful, dishonorable, base, and plain wrong as that. it kind of pisses me off that she chose to throw our marriage in the toilet by commiting the act she did, but now she wants to reconcile. shouldn’t the marriage be worked on BEFORE one commits adultery? maybe that’s just me…. she already chose to leave me spiritually and mentally, and at least part time physically. i’m just glad we hadn’t had sex in a couple of months. the thought of touching her makes me sick to my stomach, knowing what she’s done to me and our relationship.
she also noted she’d like to come by and get some stuff. she’d planned to do it while i was at work, but i won’t be going to work because i’m in no emotional state to do so. then there’s the fact that i changed the front door lock and changed the garage door code — that’ll make it hard to get in without me here or without jack (who has the second key to the front door). i don’t know if i’ll be able to look at her…i may have to leave the house if she comes by while i’m here.
her closing comments: “My act of infidelity was the supreme trangression against you. Nothing that I can say can mitigate that in any way.” well said…that pretty much sums it up.

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