ptsd: post taiwan sleep disorder

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my sleep monday lasted from around 5pm until 7am tuesday (14 hours). i wouldn't say it was quality sleep. i got up and took a shower, checked my email and such, then decided i'd lay down again. so around 10am i started sleeping again.

i got up around 5pm and met the potts at an ihop at washington and i-10. this was the first time i'd driven a vehicle in two weeks. it felt a bit odd. (i took my pickup.) the potts were going because ihop was giving away a free short stack of pancakes to anyone that day. the martin-webbers were there too (i'd met the daughters at the potts before, but never the parents), as was eric hartley. later, tiffany showed up (who used to work for jack, and i hadn't seen in some time), and then later her fiancee showed up (whom i'd never met). all in all, there were about 8 adults at the table and as many kids (from just two families). i was the only one who got something to eat outside of the requisite short stack. my bill was as much as the rest of the table's. and i left double my bill to help with a good tip. while we were there, it snowed outside for about 30 seconds. never saw it again.

jack came back with me in my pickup to my house. i picked up my laptop and did a final sync of my phone and camera to the laptop, then we went over to the potts house. i hung out there until around midnight or 1am, then came home. i got to bed around 2am.

wednesday i got up and went to work. part of the reason i'd gotten depressed in taiwan the second week was because i'd read an email from work detailing the various promotions and new job responsibilities. several times over the last couple of years i've tried to break into some new areas that seem interesting to me, but it's never really happened. i've watched a lot of people go around me over the years. sometimes it doesn't bother me, but for some time now i've felt like my position is becoming more and more marginalized. i knew about some of the goings on before i got the email, but not all of them. so that was upsetting. enough that i felt like just emailing them to tell them i was quitting when i got back to the u.s. but very rarely do i ever behave rashly, so i gave myself time to think about it and talk to people. anyway, i got to work and talked to a manager who is a friend and he didn't seem to think things were like i saw them. i took his advice under consideration, but i didn't buy it. i left work, then went and did the radio show. it was nice to see the guys and do the show again. i came home and went to bed. i had felt tired in the day, but i felt like things were normalizing as far as sleepiness and sleep pattern.

thursday at work there was a wrinkle thrown into the promotions/opportunities situation. our main aix guy, who had just gotten promoted from senior to lead, gave his two weeks' notice. this left a huge hole in the aix world, and based on other moves that had just occurred i wondered if they would ask me about trying to get into that area. and they did. aix is big business, in demand, and usually good money. the problem is i don't really care to do it. they trained all us unix guys in aix (a flavor of unix) a year or two ago, and i saw enough to feel i wasn't too interested. i intentionally avoided getting involved in most aix-based projects. i prefer the feel and culture of linux and the bsds, or even mac os, to the aix mentality/culture. and if i take this, i'll have to throw myself in head first. i was ready to immerse myself in exchange, ad, ocs, ms pki. i even stated interest at work a couple of times. but nothing ever came of it. now, instead, i've got this opportunity i'm not excited about. plus, i feel like if i don't take it, i'll be viewed as not stepping up and taking charge and grabbing opportunity and i'll be even further marginalized at work. it all kind of sucks.

before i left work, chris came by to let me know they were going to be cooking out and hanging out that evening at his complex for his birthday. i planned to go, but when i got home i sat down at my computer to check mail and such and i fell asleep. at some point i groggily moved to my bed. around 8:30pm jack called and i woke up enough to have a half-coherent conversation with him. after that it was fitful sleep until about 4am, when i woke up and wasn't as tired. i got up around 7am and shaved and took a shower. then around 8:30am i headed to work.

friday after work i took a nap for a few hours, then sue came by and we went to coffee groundz. they closed down at midnight, so we left. i got to bed around 1am. i was awake for awhile on and off around noon and early afternoon, but then i was asleep again and stayed that way until around 10am today. i basically lost saturday. so i'm beginning to think it's not just jet lag. my sinuses have been messed up, so i probably have a sinus infection. i'm wondering if i'm having allergy problems after coming back, perhaps from my cat. she's been desperate for attention since i got back and every time i'm in bed she sleeps close to my head. or maybe i've relapsed my mono from being too run-down and tired for too long. i don't know. i just know i feel a serious lack of energy all the time.

also, during my extended sleep saturday and saturday night and sunday morning i had a series of bad dreams, one of them continuing through at least two points where i woke up for awhile. not scary dreams necessarily, just sad, depressing, and/or frightening. one involved a divorced friend and their kids, the multi-part one involved me and julia (the hrc). i don't really need my mind creating new scenarios to make me angry, freaked out, upset, and sad -- i've had plenty of those in real life over that stuff already, thanks. i'd kind of mostly dealt with the emotional fallout from the hrc (although i still miss her fairly often), but now all that stuff i had mostly resolved and/or put away has spilled out and is active in my head again.

man, some sleep would feel good right now. *sigh*


"all i ever wanted was a good job,
and some busfare,
and a rocket,
and a bomb"
--mike knott "rocket and a bomb"

1 Comment

Enjoyed your phone call this AM. I had missed talking to you while you were gone!
Be sure you go to the doctor tomorrow and let me know what you find out. Don't put it off.
Glad you're home. I'm praying for your decision on your job. That's is never fun.
Love you lots,
Mom

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