memorial day weekend

i took the bike to brady for memorial day weekend. i left saturday morning and came back tuesday afternoon/evening. i managed to get there and back without having to put on my rain gear, which was pretty lucky considering the amount of rain in my path during that timeframe. i hadn't been home in a number of months, so it was nice to get away for a few days. my time away was interrupted by work several times though, unfortunately. but that's the price i pay for being so important. ;)

i spent sunday and monday afternoon helping my dad do some work at our house in art. being outside (other than on my motorcycle) is pretty rare for me these days, and doing any kind of physical labor is even more rare. so spending around five hours a day for two days outdoors working with my hands was quite the change. we replaced some electrical wiring running from the house to the smokehouse, the guest house, and out to the water pump. so it wasn't physically demanding or anything. but compared to sitting on my butt in front of a computer, being on a ladder running wiring, being attacked by gnats and surrounded by wasps and other flying insects, and doing it all in high 90's under the sun is a bit different. it's nice to do something that has physical end results instead of just mental ones. plus it's hopefully helping to improve something i care about.

a couple of the nights in brady had clear skies, but i was too tired to go out under the stars. the stars are so amazing out there. you forget about the incredibleness of it when it's always available, but being in houston where light pollution kills all but a few of the brighter objects in the sky, being able to see so many stars and the milky way is a jaw-dropping experience.

as usual, going home also gave me plenty of opportunity to think about my life. both during the solo drive there and back, and due to the slower pace of rural life. and probably the many years of my life tied to places i now only see on occasion when i head back that way.

sometimes i begin to wonder why i'm still alive. i mentally know there is still plenty of possibility of life ahead of me, i know there are some people who still care about me, and i know there are still some things that i find enjoyment and pleasure in. but sometimes all of that just doesn't feel like it matters much.

i also know i managed to survive (what should be) the darkest days of dealing with the choices tamara made and what she did to me. i somehow pulled through a lot of days i thought my heart couldn't possibly stand to hurt any worse or for any longer. days where i doubted myself and my ability to function at living. days where the betrayal of trust, the loss of any future i'd imagined, and seeing someone i love turn on themselves and me, threatened to push me beyond the limited ability i have to cope with rejection and pain.

now, as then, i know i'm not faultless for issues and decisions in our marriage that led to the circumstances that led tamara to choose to have an affair and treat me with such little respect or fairness. i still maintain i in no way deserved to be cheated on though, or to be treated as i was. honestly, i don't think she was thinking about me or my feelings much. i think she had before, when things were simpler. and i think she imagined i didn't think about her or her feelings much either. but she was wrong.

everything i lost in the course of events before, during, and after her affair still haunt me at times: a wife, a family, a close friend. so much possibility, gone. so much future, gone. so much...all gone. which doesn't mean new versions of those things can't be in my future. but it changed so much. things that weren't supposed to change. so many big things i defined myself by, measured myself by, and had placed my hopes and future in, were simply gone. and there i was. surrounded by a world that still looked mostly familiar, but was anything but.

here's to hoping i continue to work toward holding onto the positive things that define who i am as a person, and move forward rebuilding myself and my life into something of value to me, to those around me, and to G-d.

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