edukate me

a few nights ago i rented and watched the edukators. it's a german film about three youth who are disenfranchised with those in power and want to help bring about some change. they do this by breaking into the houses of rich people while they're on vacation and moving their furniture around and leaving a note like "your days of plenty are numbered", but stealing nothing. they end up being seen and confronted by one guy and they choose to kidnap him. they go hide in the mountains and have to deal with all of the various moral issues involved. that's intentionally a bit vague, but it was a well-told story.

in other goings on, i still need to go through all of the stuff tamara left behind in the house. it's difficult as hell. it's like going through all the stuff of someone you loved that died -- presents i bought her, letters i wrote her, books she loved, all kinds of sentimental crap that pierces my heart. not to mention all the stuff that was never mine or ours but only hers, including stuff from before i even knew her. sometimes i feel like just boxing it all up and dropping it off on alistair's dad's front porch. wouldn't he be curious to learn what all that was about then? sometimes i wish i had the heart to do that sort of thing. but i don't, even though it would be a completely justified response to the way she has treated me.

i continue to be astounded that the person i knew -- the person who had all of these wonderful traits and views, who cared so much about truth and compassion and vows and honesty -- actually not only made the mistake of committing adultery (which as much as i loathe, can see how it's possible), but then in the end chose to use the legal system to take advantage of me financially, and lied to me and our friends about her intentions right to the very end. and as far as i know continues to perpetuate lies by hiding the truth.

i sometimes feel like her life with me, what she showed me, had to be a lie as well -- that she wasn't this cool christian girl at all. but that doesn't make sense. i guess there were plenty of signs that if she ever cracked she'd crack hard and her method of dealing with it would be to assume a new identity and try to hide her past. or that such choices and possibilities were inside of her, that they were very real paths that could be taken under the right circumstances. it just sucks that her choices had to derail my life as well. but that's how marriage is supposed to work, i guess. that was the risk i took when i chose to tie my life to hers. i really thought i was making a good choice.

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