well, the mediation occurred on tuesday afternoon. it didn't go as badly as it could have, but it wasn't far from it. tamara and her attorney basically got her half of everything, because everyone was telling me i'd get no better in court...and very likely lose even more. the legal system doesn't care and isn't concerned about justice or the fairness of an individual situation. it's just trying to churn through cases, and only affected by the most heinous of cases. maybe i almost prefer the brutal insensitivity of that to the mediation process, where the parties involved act like they care. but they don't know the situation, they have no vested interest...they make their money, they say some stuff, they smile and wish you well, then they go home. it seemed everyone involved acknowledged i was getting the shaft, but legally the shaft was what i should get, so that's what was going to happen. they were wrangling to get me pennies when i was losing thousands. i'm going to have to sell the house because tamara and her attorney wanted to say it was worth hcad appraised value if i wanted to keep it. there's no way it's worth much beyond what is owed on it (if it's worth that). nevermind the fact that i've been paying on it and everything else for over a year and a half since she left me. that my job has been putting money in my retirment. that she got two bachelor's degrees and a master's degree while with me. that she hasn't contributed a penny to anything i've made or paid for over the last 18 or so months. she still got half of everything. at least they were willing to say the $11k of credit card debt she's managed to run up wasn't community debt. i could hardly stay seated in the room and watch as the things i'd spent years working for and such were divied up with unemotional abandon by people who could really care less about me. for good or bad, everything was enhanced by the fact that tamara and her attorney were in another room, so i never actually saw them. the mediator would just go between rooms bringing offers and rebuttals. at the end, tamara's attorney came in to talk to mine. let's just say the intense feeling of pain and helplessness in this situation has led me to understand how someone could get so angry they'd find a weapon and start killing everyone who is putting them through it. i never thought i'd ever be able to identify with johnny paycheck's "pardon me (i've got someone to kill)" in my life either, but i've been right there on a number of occasions.
i was really freaked out after it was over...numb and hurt and confused and intensely angry...it was all overwhelming. i guess not as bad as the months right after i found out tamara was having an affair, but pretty bad. i went and looked at pistols. which isn't as scary as it sounds, once you understand i already have a .45acp charles daly 1911 at home with 4 clips and almost 500 rounds of ammo. i didn't buy anything though. then i went home and drank one third of a bottle of jack daniels. i drank the first third of that bottle the day johnny cash died (the first time i've ever actually been really drunk). this was the second third. i've got a third left.