long time, eh?

note: this is one of a number of entries that were lost in a server crash, followed by a desktop crash, back in late 2004. on march 1, 2009, i happened on a cache file on the crashed desktop hard drive, so i am reloading all of the entries with their original date and time values intact for posterity.

well, it's been some time since i made a weblog entry. a whole bunch of crazy sh!t went on with tamara. mostly her convincing herself leaving me and breaking our martial vows is the right thing to do. i don't agree, but i know i didn't support her emotionally as well as i should have, and a lot of things plus my male ignorance distracted me from being able to see she was going down the tubes and going to give up on me and our marriage. obviously she's still sinned and went against G-d's will by having an affair and choosing to leave me, but i feel like i've really been trying to figure out what if anything i could do to help the situation. one of my personality flaws shines through in this scenario: too little, too late. tamara no longer cares about our marriage -- she has let her love die, she has let her commitment die. obviously i was a part of that process without knowing the level to which i was, but my attempts to save what i really did consider to be so precious appear to be futile. i don't believe this is G-d's will, but i only hope that G-d can honour my attempts to do the right thing and take care of me and create a new path for me. it would be wonderful if tamara could see that honouring our vows is important, but i think she's been dead in the heart and gone through too much to survive. i will miss her, but hopefully G-d will take care of her and bring her to Him.

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