saturday night (dead or a)live

note: this is one of a number of entries that were lost in a server crash, followed by a desktop crash, back in late 2004. on march 1, 2009, i happened on a cache file on the crashed desktop hard drive, so i am reloading all of the entries with their original date and time values intact for posterity.

i went over to jack and sue's last night to eat supper and watch saturday night live. jack and sue have been good to me, calling me and having me over and basically just making sure that i'm not about to do anything too stupid or slip into insanity.

while there, sue mentioned she was supposed to be going to church with tamara today (to a new church for tamara, and she didn't want to go alone). sue hadn't talked to tamara so she called her to make sure what the plans were. afterward, she said tamara said she was having a real bad night and that she didn't feel like going to church the next day.

me being the idiot that i am, i suggested that perhaps they could call her to see if she wanted to come over and watch snl. after the counseling appt on wednesday, she'd mentioned that outkast was going to be on snl and she had sounded like she was looking forward to seeing them. and i'd had supper with her and that'd gone okay, so i figured we could be in the same place and get along okay. so jack called, but tamara declined. jack said he'd call back in awhile to make sure she was positive. he called back about 15 minutes later and she declined again.

i was kind of concerned about her, because from previous conversations i know she is pretty (quite) unstable sometimes. so i told jack maybe he should try calling her right before snl started to try one last time. i used to be depressive, so i know sometimes you both want and don't want to be around people, and someone being gently persistent can help you to get over your bad feelings that make you want to be alone and thus give you what you'd wanted deeper down which was to be able to talk to and/or be around someone. jack called and she declined.

about 20 minutes later, i decided i should call her and check on her and see if i could talk to her about anything. turns out she was annoyed by the persistent calling...she wanted to be left alone.

anyway, i ended up talking to her and she admitted she didn't want to go to church because she was in a bad state and was really pissed at G-d. this is sort of a recurring issue for her since the miscarriage this summer. i told her i was concerned, but since i have a tendency to try to solve problems and not listen passively i probably wasn't much help.

well, tamara sent me an e-mail today saying she appreciates my concern for her well-being. i had told her a large concern of mine -- after learning about her problems with drinking at the oct 31 supper -- was that she might go get drunk or even worse based on addictive behaviours from her past. unfortunately, the way the e-mail she sent was worded, along with my lack of trust in her honesty toward me, made me think she might be having some drug issues already.

so i called her and asked her about it, explaining why i thought it was possible. she said she hadn't used anything other than alcohol this whole time. so that's good.

assuming she's being honest. normally i wouldn't doubt that, but these days i'm not really sure what to believe. but i'd like to believe it's true. that'd be a bad thing to tack onto the list of problems that already exist.

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