the first post-confession encounter

note: this is one of a number of entries that were lost in a server crash, followed by a desktop crash, back in late 2004. on march 1, 2009, i happened on a cache file on the crashed desktop hard drive, so i am reloading all of the entries with their original date and time values intact for posterity.

tamara came by today, with jack. jack brought jackson. that's kind of awkward, huh? a four-year-old kid walking around, not having a clue what's going on but making both of us try to retain some amount of composure. eventually they went outside so tamara could talk to me. i can't say i was too excited about looking at her or talking with her, but d4mn it this is where i live and i have no reason to go away and hide -- i'm not the one that commited adultery.

mostly it was more of the same kind of stuff that had been mentioned in the e-mail. she is willing to reconcile if there's any way i think i could ever forgive her for what she did. it blows my mind...how in the world is it that she wants to reconcile NOW? what a bunch of sh!t that she gets to go off and fsck some other guy and then come back and want to reconcile. why can't she just take the path she already chose for herself? she was the one that kept talking about how mediocre our marriage was, how she knew what she wanted but was scared to do it. of course, now i know that she was already doing it. (pun intended.) what a crock. i was going through hell trying to figure out how to keep our relationship from disintegrating so quickly in front of my eyes, putting up with being treated like sh!t and trying to be loving (kind, patient, long-suffering, etc...I Cor stuff), and she's going out behind my back getting drunk and developing a romantic relationship with some guy who she ends up fscking.

and how exactly is it that i'm supposed to want to reconcile?

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