well, yesterday was pretty much a completely sh!tty day. as a reminder, it was the anniversary of the day i was told by tamara that she was having an affair. (that happened in 2003, so 6 years ago.) the day she finally had the guts to tell me...well, actually i think it's because she finally felt so sorry for how much she was fscking me up, and i wouldn't just give up and seek a divorce so she could keep her secret hidden. she went on to take advantage of me in numerous ways, while she told everyone else in earshot who'd listen she was simply doing "the right thing" (and wanted to be "fair"). funny how doing "the right thing" involved doing plenty of wrong things to me. but then none of it was ever really about me or about the greater concept of "right" (or "fair"), was it? no, it wasn't.
but it no longer even really matters about tamara specifically. it's more of a big picture kind of thing. it's what it represents. (plus i've got fresher wounds to concern myself with.) no, the date is more a symbol of loss. a loss of relationship, a loss of friendship, a loss of a future. all endings are painful on some level. even if you happen to be the one choosing the ending, it is still the shuttering of what was once a dream -- something that once had possibility and happiness and hope. unfortunately, this anniversary symbolizes someone making an ending more painful than it needs to be. but in the end it's still loss.
so i drank, and cried, and slept, and drank some more, and cried some more, and then sue was concerned so she sent jack over, and i was concerned enough to let him. it really wasn't a good day.
when i was younger, my loneliness via lack of dating was depressing, but there was still an underlying hope because there was plenty of future -- sure it sucked, but i was young and there was a lot of time still to find someone and create a "normal" future together. (or even to change myself to help that come about.) now that "normal" window is mostly in the past, partially ripped up by one bad marriage, and every year that passes there is less and less future to hold onto as hope to fall back on. i want to believe that what i wanted is available to me, that if i have faith it will happen, but 25 years of experience have taught me not to trust in much except being alone and being misled. most of my faith and hope has been ripped out of me. what's still there is trying to repair itself and re-grow and become strong again, but it's been gravely damaged. it's sad that's the point i've been brought to, but it's hard to argue with years of collected data and experience.
"if you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being -- you'd be a game show host." --veronica sawyer heathers