well, it's no secret my mom reads my blog. how's that for street cred? anyway, she replied privately to my previous entry -- which isn't a big surprise, but i felt like i needed to clear a few things up in case other people got the wrong idea. (sorry if privacy rights have been violated...but i'm guessing these thoughts may reflect those of the few people that read this, so i want to clarify things.)
 "why don't you throw that movie away...?"
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is an incredible film. incredible. i love it. charlie kaufman is a brilliant writer, and michel gondry is a great director. but the sum of their parts in this film is better than either alone. and who thought jim carey and kate winslet could do such wonderful work? no, the movie stands apart from my personal experiences. in fact, i'll be buying the blu-ray.
 "...and get rid of her stuff and clean it out and try to move forward? no person is worth making yourself miserable over and letting them ruin your life. stop letting her do this to you, it doesn't have to go on and on."
this is not about tamara. (even though i'm not confident a failed marriage *shouldn't* ruin your life when it comes to relationships, i'm willing to allow for second chances. i would very much like to have another chance.) when watching the movie this last time, i fully realized that. (that it's not just me watching it and seeing my relationship with tamara.) sure, there were a couple of points where the exact events in the movie completely reminded me of tamara. but overall it's much bigger than that. the movie is me, it is my life (as far as the main character goes.) it is about my relationship with tamara, but it's about much more than that -- it's about all relationships, it's about loss, it's about failure, it's about hope in the inevitable failure of life. it's beautiful, and heartbreaking, and true.
 "dad & i love you and know you can find someone else, but you have to let the past go."
unfortunately, the love of a mom and dad and their belief doesn't fix anything. nor do the love and support of friends and their belief in you. nor does the past, or letting it go. don't get me wrong, the love and support of family and friends is a wonderful thing . but it doesn't lead to finding someone else or success in relationships. the past exists for a reason, just like the present exists for a reason. and a reasonably intelligent person can extrapolate the past and present to see what is the likely future. it doesn't mean it has to be that way, but why live with false hopes. it's not about the past with tamara, as much as it is the past as a whole -- my whole life, collected and plotted, then extrapolated. do i hope for better? sure. but historically there is no reason to expect it.
today i went with sue to the saint arnold's brewery tour and had a few beers. then i had supper with the potts family and had a couple margaritas. finally, i went back to the potts house and had a few malibu rum and pina colada drinks. now i am home.
was the past with me? not so much. tamara's fscking up of my life is a chapter in the history books. it's the present and future that haunt me now.