i wrote this back on the 25th but held on to it. now i'm releasing it...letting it go, to see if it returns to me...or if it was never truly mine in the first place.
i'm thinking i shouldn't actually post this. i mean, it doesn't seem "smart" to let people know i am sad about life sometimes and don't always think things are great and life is just a ride through the park with one positive experience after another. what the fsck is wrong with our society that we can't abide people admitting they struggle with failure and doubt and disillusionment? that it's a mark against them to admit... to let others know...they have weaknesses and hurt sometimes?
i'm not asking for anyone's pity. i'm not asking for anyone to tell me things will get better. this is not a cry for help. if you don't care to be aware of this facet of who i am, then you don't care to be aware of the wholeness of who i am. i just don't feel like lying about how i feel right now. but if you don't want to know, if you don't want to read something sad or whiny or pitiful or depressing or whatever, please just stop reading this and find something else to read/do.
you know, back when i was in growing up i always just sort of figured i'd meet someone in college, or maybe just after college when i was starting my "career". i figured i'd be married in my early 20's, maybe mid-20's, and have a kid or kids by mid-20's or late 20's. i don't know if it's because my parents were real young themselves so i just thought that was what was best or what. i wanted to be a young parent so i still had the energy and youth to do things with my kid(s) while they were growing up. sure, i doubted things, but deep down somewhere i really thought it would happen.
obviously it didn't. i didn't really ever date in college, even though i wanted to. i've just always had a severe lack of confidence in women being interested in me. i don't think it's misplaced, despite the protests from time to time of friends. friends lie. that's what they do. give no reasons or whatever reasons you want -- external, internal, self-created or not -- i do not engender interest. (what? a lack of confidence is all? haha. yeah. what's not to be interested in, right?!)
anyway, my first "legitimate dating" (as such) was a fscked up long distance relationship with someone who i thought was really cool, and i really liked. but i had no idea how to behave or what to do. i don't think it mattered, because i think she dated me more because a friend told her i was a great guy and i would make a great partner than because of her own feelings for me. she broke up with me all the time and then would call crying and apologizing. eventually she broke up with me because she found another guy. it turned out to be someone i knew, and they ended up getting married. and they're still married, so she was smart in her choice it would appear.
i guess i had a couple of awkward online things in college, because i'm so uber-cool like that. nothing ever materialized out of any of them. that's kind of a pattern for me with things online.
after college i had no "career" job, so i ended up living at my parents' house. i started dating a girl while there. she was a lot younger than me. (i didn't know i was a pupil of wooderson at the time (see dazed and confused). but it was really my first "serious" relationship. (no wonder my parents were worried i was gay. at least they acted like they were worried about it. no, mom and dad, when it comes to women being interested in me "i'm just a sucker with no self-esteem" (to quote the ever-eloquent poets, offspring).) anyway, we got engaged. but as time rolled on, it was pretty obvious to me we were on a fast-track to a very short marriage ending quickly in lots of fights, separation, and divorce. the engagement ended. at least i managed to make one smart decision in my dating history (such as it is).
so in my late 20's i met a girl that seemed really cool, although she was a lot younger than me (see above) and had some quirks. our relationship, once it started, developed pretty quickly. we got married, and even though i knew my naive dreams of how my life would pan out had already passed, it was good and i loved her and i thought we were good together. so i figured we'd be cool on our own for awhile, then have a kid or maybe two. we waited awhile and i was starting to get worried about being an old parent, but she was a fair bit younger than me so i didn't want her to mess up her own life goals/plans on my account. but when she got serious about having a kid, i wasn't sure we were ready enough: financially, mentally, etc. or responsible enough. (not that any of those stop tons of other people.) plus her 180 from "not in the near future" to "now! now! now!" was also a warning shot. she was fixated on it, and fscked up in the head about it, and she drove herself into the ground over it and pulled me along with her. once she'd torched everything, then she blamed me -- my lack of interest, my lack of commitment to having a child. so she decided she should find a new life. and she did. and also redefined her entire past and time with me in the process so it all seemed more reasonable and inevitable to her. she was smart, hot, and fscked up. unfortunately, the last one won by a wide margin.
since then, the girl i had a crush on for years growing up divorced (with children) and moved to town. "what a stroke of luck!" i thought. i dated her for a few months. but even though she told me how awesome of a guy i was, she had to dump me because i only had one bathroom. (i don't feel like explaining it. i think it's on my blog somewhere.) she's the first girl my age i ever dated. and then i was sort of involved somewhat with someone a lot younger than me. way younger. (not illegal or anything! sheesh!) but only a bit, for a short time. i even broke down and went on a "blind" date. it didn't pan out. and then someone a fair bit younger than me, but not as much as "way younger".
so here i am. i may never be a parent at all. and my lack of faith in the interest toward me by the fairer sex is just as strong as ever. except now i have some holes ripped into my always thin confidence in that arena. (even if i've had a few positives as well. negatives are much more destructive than positives are beneficial.) i'm just stumbling along toward oblivion, one moment in front of the next. step by step. minute by minute. mostly biding my time. hoping maybe something can happen, assuming it won't.
some people like to say that if you're not happy now, that changing things won't make you happier. i tend to believe them. which leads me to the conclusion that there is really no point in trying to change things. (that's probably not the conclusion they want someone to reach by saying that, but that's seem like a logical conclusion to me.)
if happiness finds me, i would be absolutely tickled. i would love nothing more. unfortunately, it would seem that i live in a bad emotional neighborhood and happiness is a bit nervous to come by for a visit, much less stay. i guess i can't be too upset, since happiness would probably end up getting pistol-whipped and beat down. to be honest, i'm really not sure why hope still hangs around this place, as i'm not sure hope will get much better treatment. hope never was much of a realist though, i suppose. i'm just waiting for her to smarten up and leave me too.
maybe i should be an artist. i think being a "tortured soul" seems more attractive when you have some kind of creative outlet/endeavor. of course, i would probably just seem more like a grating, marginally annoyed soul. the thomas kincaid of tortured souls.
haha, that sounded clever in my head.