i'm gonna find me a river...

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interesting times. friday night i went out on a date. no, really! i was set up with the sister of someone from work. i drove out to pasadena after work and picked her up. we came back into town and went to empire cafe. from there we headed to the continental club and watched disco expressions. then i drove her back to her place.

overall, i thought things went alright. there weren't a lot of awkward silences, we didn't seem to get on each other's nerves, we laughed, etc. unfortunately, i also didn't really feel there was a lot of chemistry either. i'm not sure how she felt about things. but she seems like a nice girl. (and no, i don't mean that as a backhanded compliment -- she genuinely did.) i'm feeling friendship is likely where things will fall. of course, we only just met and it was only for a few hours though.

still, it's a new step for me. i don't really know that i've been on many actual "dates" -- usually i start off just hanging out with a girl as friends, and eventually things build from there. not that friday night was a big to-do kind of date. but going out together -- being set up -- was the intent and reason. we went out as a boy and girl, not merely as two friends. although i probably helped keep it more at a two friends level, i was pretty happy that i seemed to not feel too awkward about the situation.

on my way home after dropping her off, my car started making these horribly loud rhythmic pinging or clanking sounds. i'm not sure what caused it. i'd push in the clutch and let the engine idle for awhile, which would make it stop making the sounds -- then i'd let out the clutch and after a bit it'd start doing it again. i got home and parked it. sunday i started it up and it clanked once or twice, then it seemed to idle okay. i guess i'll drive it at highway speeds soon and see if it does it again. i'm wondering if it's either pistons hitting valves, or something not getting oil, or what. whatever the case, it's not a good sound.

after the date friday night, and then throughout saturday, i was compelled to analyze the situation in my head -- why i had felt the way i did, what i liked, what i didn't, what was missing, etc. honestly, it made me miss some of the combinations of things tamara was when i met her and we were first together. not that she was perfect. (believe me i don't think that. i was aware of things i had some concerns over from the beginning.) but she was a rare mixture of things, things that almost never seem to come together in one person. some of the bad things eventually took over and destroyed our relationship -- even though some of those bad things may have helped contribute to things i liked early on. (ironic, or is it?)

the conclusion i eventually came to wasn't really a revelation, but i guess my experience just reinforced it: i'm more attracted to girls that are quirky and/or have an edge. whether that's being alt, or punk, or goth, or rockabilly, or whatever...or just being unique and not fitting in with the majority common culture...that's very attractive to me. i want to be curious about them, to wonder what they're going to say and do, for them to have interesting or unique takes on the world around us and to be able to articulate it. i mean, there is a part of me that is very attracted to a pretty girl that has an aura of purity and goodness to her -- but i think i'm more drawn to a girl that you're not quite sure what she's thinking or what she might do. (why is it the "pg-13" speech from swingers seems appropriate?...

trent: i don't want you to be the guy in the pg-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. i want you to be like the guy in the rated r movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. you're not sure where he's coming from.

plus, i figure i haven't really got a shot with a pure, pretty girl anyway.)

i feel like i'm basically like a moth drawn to a flame. but i'd rather have a relationship with a girl i find interesting and enticing than just have a friend with whom i feel comfortable. (despite what tamara kept wanting to believe later in our relationship.) i want to be excited to be with them, be excited when i think about them, i want to miss them when they're not around, i want attraction. by that i don't mean i'm just looking for a feeling, and once it's gone i don't care anymore and am gone, because that's not it. but i would like for it to be there in the beginning at least.

but i do think i'm attracted to things that make someone tend toward being somewhat unstable. maybe that doesn't matter much though, since i tend to feel like i'm caught in the middle anyway -- i.e., i feel like i'm too normal and boring for the quirky and/or edgy girls, but i'm too quirky or weird for the attractive normal girls. i'm sure my fear of rejection and the low opinion of me i tend to assume others have doesn't help.

in a lot of ways, i tend to think i'm just sort of forgettable. some people just have captivating or interesting personalities, some don't. i don't seem to. i may dress differently, act differently, think somewhat uniquely, have somewhat unique interests...but in the end, i feel more like a shadow passing through this world, a vapor. people may see me for a moment, but i'm quickly lost in the background and forgotten. do i make myself that way? or is it an intrinsic part of who i am, something built into my being?

as a more pessimistic and jaded nat king cole or frank sinatra would have sang: "so forgettable, that's what you are..." (mp3)


"i had me a woman who couldn't be true.
she made me for my money and she made me blue.
a man needs a woman that he can lean on,
but my leanin' post has done left and gone.
she's long gone, and now i'm lonesome blue.

i'm gonna find me a river, one that's cold as ice.
and when i find me that river, L-rd i'm gonna pay the price, oh L-rd!
i'm going down in it three times, but L-rd i'm only coming up twice.
she's long gone, and now i'm lonesome blue."

--hank williams "long gone lonesome blues"

hank williams wrote some incredible songs about heartbreak. just incredible. but the line "i'm going down in it three times, but L-rd i'm only coming up twice" is about as good as it gets.

5 Comments

dude, sometimes you think too much: there is more than one type of chemistry, some are noticed early, some late. Try to enjoy yourself more when you're with a woman and analyze it less. Sometimes you think too little: you're writing your weblog to friends of yours. When you say stuff like, "i tend to think i'm just sort of forgettable. some people just have captivating or interesting personalities, some don't. i don't seem to." you are actually insulting your friends. The majority of the people who read your weblog like you. You're telling them (us), "hey, you guys have bad taste." Give us some credit!!! However, I do agree with your H.Williams lyrics comments.

Friendship is where Lori and I started out, although there was always a potential for a deeper relationship present. Friends are great to have. I wish that I had more of them.

ash: i wasn't analyzing it much while i was on the date. as i said in my post, later that night and the next day was when i was analyzing things. i'm not going to deny i think too much, but i don't think when or how i was doing it was inappropriate.

as far as dating goes, i think the kind of chemistry that needs to exist is limited to the kind that leads to a desire to continue dating. other chemistry would develop from hanging out as friends, or forcing dating. or at least that's my perspective.

as far as your interpretation of my comments about myself, i see what you're saying but i think that's up to the reader. just because some of one's friends are losers or are forgettable to general society, it doesn't necessarily mean anything about the individual themself. there could any number of reasons someone could be my friend -- postive or negative or neutral or a combination. they may not even see them that way, even though others do. honestly, i think it says more about my self-perception than anything about my friends.

and i'm writing my weblog to no one in particular -- it's open to the world. i'm just presenting some of my life and thoughts -- good, bad, real, perceived, whatever.

ack: friends with potential is nice. friends are good. sometimes i wish i had more. sometimes it seems easier to just cut your losses.

I will try not to be offended & probably won't forget you. By the way, check your oil. When the old Fairmont needed oil, I could tell when I was on the freeway in the left lane next to the jersey barrier. The sound of my valves pinging bounced off the barrier and into my open window. Worked better than an oil light.

thanks all around kevin. as far as the oil, i don't think that's it. although i haven't checked the oil in the car lately, my pickup valves start pinging/clicking now and then because my truck loses/burns oil -- so i know what it sounds like on that engine. (it started happening tonight on the way home, appropriately enough for this conversation.) the car engine sound is also rhythmic, but is much louder and scarier sounding. i'll check the oil. i'm concerned it's a timing issue, and with the mild cam in there timing is probably more important for piston-valve clearance. not that i know enough about engines to speak from an educated standpoint. maybe i should read more about engines.

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