pity the fool

G-d d4mn it. i hate it when i get updates about tamara. they either piss me off or break my heart. rarely do they ever fall somewhere in the middle, or outside of that continuum.

tonight was no exception. it started off as something that pissed me off, but it quickly turned into breaking my heart. if i were one to tie events together, i might think my recent deluge of dreams about tamara might somehow be tied to goings on in the real world i was unaware of. but how do i have any idea how strongly i should really feel?

it's been like this ever since things really started falling apart in our marriage. she'd do something or i'd find out something and i would be incredibly angry and feel betrayed and/or taken advantage of by her. or whatever it was would make me feel incredible sorrow for what kind of sad or screwed up state i imagined her to be in. inevitably i would end up feeling like my grieving had been in vain, because a short time later i'd end up having something done to me that totally pissed me off, or i'd get new news to the contrary of what i'd heard before.

sometimes, when i find out something, i want to email her and tell her that i love her and care about her no matter what, even if we can't be friends. sometimes i wish i could help her -- i made vows to her and G-d to cherish, and love, and protect her. no one else did that with her, just me. those are hard commitments for me to shake or give up. and even though she broke her vows and threw them and me away and divorced me, even though she took advantage of me financially, even though she lied to me about any number of things, i still care about her and want her to be whole. my heart grieves for her brokenness.

but then she ends up doing or saying things that hurt me -- emotionally, financially, whatever. and i recall everything i've had to go through, everything i've had done to me, and the state of things now because of it. and then i want to tell her i hate her for what she has done and is doing to me and putting me through. that she knows i don't deserve to be treated like that or done that way. and i want her to reap what she has sown.

...but then i end up finding out once again that she's frail and broken and messed up. and it breaks my heart. and so the cycle continues.

something has to give.

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