that last entry comes thanks to a sleepless night brought about from delving back too deeply into the disintegration of my life due to the failure of my marriage, a spectacular affair (pun intended) with startling revelations and even more startling behaviour, both occuring over and over again.
i finally managed to stop my mind and emotions from being out of control enough that i was able to lie down and get to sleep a little after 4:30am. so i ended up getting about 3 to 3.5 hours of sleep. joy.
i honestly don't think about the details of everything that has happened as much anymore because i've generally already chosen answers or realized i would kill myself trying to figure it out, plus i really would like to move on to what i hope are better things, but something prompted me to go back through a lot of it and yet again try to re-evaluate the stuff i got hurt over and angry about and beat myself up over too many times to count.
so last night became a non-gentle reminder of the months of emotional trauma i went through during and after the affair and her choice to leave me. not exactly something i crave experiencing, but it's unfortunately a part of my life and who i am now. marriage is such for me that it's not as accurate to say it's an emotional wound that needs to heal as much as it's the loss of a part of you, of who you are, and you have to learn to live a different way, live with the loss of a part of you, like learning to live after the loss of a limb.
perhaps that's a bit mellodramatic, but it seems like it's hard to explain to people just how deeply all of this affected me and can still affect me. moving on to other, better things...
i finally caved and set up a pandora account today. my brother showed it to me a month or two ago, then jamie mentioned it in her blog a while back, but i'd never succumbed. after getting the new music this last weekend and really wanting to find some new bands, i decided pandora would probably be a good way to do it. they have a huge library of music and try to categorize each song in any number of ways (vocals, instruments, key, structure, tone, style, etc). you pick one or a few songs or bands you like for one channel, then pandora plays songs that match your pick(s). you can say you like or don't like each song, which then refines pandora's picks for you. you can have a bunch of different channels, so you don't have to try to fit eclectic tastes into one channel. anyway, we'll see how it goes.
while at lunch today, my friends and i decided i need to make a shirt that says something along the lines of "looking for a punk girl to break my heart". or it could be goth. or just alt in general. whatever the case, me picking girls to be interested in that break my heart seems to be a skill i have.
on a somewhat related note, i got a myspace request a couple of days ago out of the blue and didn't recognize the person. i went to her page and started reading it, and noticed she liked a lot of alt xian bands. i looked at the pics, then i realized who it was: my first "real girlfriend" (as much as it was), the first girl i ever kissed (it was only once...i don't think i ever told her i'd never kissed anyone). geez, i was 24. what a loser i was! (read: "am".) she was cool. she broke up with me. over and over. in the end, my heart couldn't take it and i ended any communication. she was interested in someone else, someone i kind of knew. who she's now been married to over ten years. G-d bless them. i wish i could say the same about my marriage.