i was going to post saturday about how awesome things are right now and how great it is to be alive; about how i've never been more satisfied and content with life and the world around me. about how everything is going my way, everything is falling into place. maybe include some references to puppy dogs and rainbows and unicorns and hearts and puffy letters and dotting the letter "i" with hearts or smiley faces.
then the moment passed and it was april 2nd. so back to reality...
first up, there are a few shirts i've wanted for a long time. since i pretty much only wear dark colors, i'd have to get them silk-screened, which isn't generally an option for one-offs. but cafepress has a beta for printing on black shirts, so now i can do it. so here are a couple i've put up:
i already ordered and got the "fsck the system" one. although after getting it, i went back and changed the design a little because what i saw on the cafepress screen wasn't what i got: the text was smaller and lower on the shirt. (maybe they show it on a baby size, which is why it looks to cover so much of the shirt.) also, the white looks more like a grey or maybe even grey-blue. but i'm still pretty happy with it, and plan on wearing it to the radio show "geek gathering" on friday. and chances are good i'll be the only one wearing this design (a reference to the night barrett and i both wore "computers are fun and useful" shirts...).
every now and then i like to go on google and see if anything new pops up for various people i know. while doing this friday i found a new search result for tamara where she did an "interview" on a blog. there were links to a blog she is doing now, but i didn't go to it. do i really need to read about how screwed up she is? or how ironically and self-consciously hip she can be discussing everything?
i guess we'll see how long tst v.4 lasts, until she has to walk away from it and recreate herself yet again. i hope one day she really does find whatever it is she needs, i just wish it would have been G-d and me and the marital bonds we had. (i have my opinions about what she needs, but it's her path and hopefully she'll figure it out.)
she really was a good person. but as in times past, she cut loose everything and redefined who she was, burying or leaving behind as much of her past as possible. (let's not discuss how post-modern that is.) that's why i was left taking care of everything while she took money and a few items and walked. that and the legal system seemed more than happy to facilitate such an arrangement for her. and believe me, it's hard going through all of the personal crap she left behind...it sinks me right back into those times when it felt like she'd cut my heart out, causing me to grieve all over the loss of the person she was and the loss of my wife and our future.
if she hadn't stolen so much from me both emotionally and financially, i'd probably be more willing to wish her the best. as it is, the best i can muster up is hoping she can stop running from G-d and deal with all of the pain and bitterness that is inside of her -- from the infertility issues, the failure of our marriage, and the many things further back in her past...both poor choices of her own and things done to her.
so why did i get involved with her? i think maybe my naive idealism thought we could deal with whatever difficulties arose. and i somehow believed she had healed, had become a more together person...i thought she had found herself. i don't know that she was misleading me...she tries to convince herself she's happy, she tries to focus on tasks and lists and goals and being active, to find other things to fill the void she feels. it's always been school, it was drugs, it was josh, it was me, it was philosophy, it was a child, it was alcohol, and i guess it was (if not still is) yet another new outlook on life, and alistair. perhaps they deserve each other.
don't take all this to mean i don't still love her, that it doesn't still hurt sometimes, or that i think i was the perfect spouse and didn't make mistakes. i made mistakes. however, i don't feel my failings justify all of the choices she made and things she did to me. i don't think anyone who knew us thinks so either. does that make the pain for me less, or make it any easier for me to deal with? no.
well, enough of that...
friday after i left work there was a business card with a url on it on my motorcycle: tmcgreed.com. that was all that was on the card. i park back in the neighborhood on the street. i'll have to try and find out who is doing the site. tmc parking is insane. they're fscking greedy b4st4rds who take advantage of medical center employees and people seeing doctors or visiting sick friends and relatives, and pitch it as if they are a charitable, non-profit organization who is really helping everybody out. i've little doubt they're in bed with too many powerful and influential people for much of anything to be done to them, but it'd be nice to see them get the wind knocked out of their sails.
then friday night i went to the continental club and saw the flying fish sailors, the aqua velva, and clouseaux. it was a pajama party, so if you wore pajamas you got in free. i paid the $5. the flying fish sailors are celtic music, and generally funny. jay lee from the radio show (technology bytes) is in the flying fish sailors. the aqua velva is a cover band...all b-52's. they were nice. clouseaux is a jazz/lounge band. i had heard of them but never heard them. they were really good musicians. the whole thing was given a surreal feel because most of the band members (of all bands) were wearing pajamas.
i rode around for a few hours saturday. i didn't find any partners, so i went solo. i almost drove to luling for some bbq. i took alt-90, but decided to turn around at east bernard. but it was a nice ride. i didn't put on sunblock until i stopped in east bernard and bought some, so i got a bit too much sun. i did the same thing last year when i went on my spur-of-the-moment trip to indianola, so i guess it's a tradition now.