of ghosts and reality

i watched 3-iron with the director's commentary on, some last night and some earlier today. it helped explain some of the ideas and motivations behind the film. although i still wonder if this would be considered a movie that at least on some level accurately portrays the culture, traditions, and mindset of korea. he evidently intended the movie to be inconclusive, for the viewer to wonder if the main male role, female role, or husband were inventing/imagining some or all of the goings on. one of the cultural ideas that wasn't understood well by my Texas/u.s. background was ghosts inhabiting and thus owning a house. (or in some ways, his/their view of a house or place you live.) overall though i think the movie could be understood, and its ideas or plot elements would be somewhat skewed or foreign to even a korean audience. (who evidently don't really watch his movies because he doesn't create movies that are popular or blockbusters there.)

i'm not sure if the planting of ideas relating to ghosts and houses is what led to the events this morning. i was having a dream where tamara and i were in the house and things were like before the massive collapse had happened. we were talking and i followed her into the master bathroom, and i was looking at her reflection in the mirror and she was saying something like "i know what i'm going to do" or "i know how to be happy" or something and suddenly everything that was to happen and everything i was going to feel suddenly spilled through her like some kind of spiritual force and i was overwhelmed with pain and sorrow. it's hard to describe the changes i saw and the spiritual/emotional weight that fell on me in that moment. i woke myself up weeping.

at least these kinds of things don't happen as much anymore.

even though i'd realized it in passing a week or two ago, i had forgotten feb 9th is tamara's birthday until a third party reminded me via a mutual friend. but feb 9th came and went without event. well, until that evening. from things i've heard lately, the sense i got from looking at that picture of tamara a while back was accurate: she's not doing well at all. as much as i don't want her to be happy and satisfied with life and the choices she made, it really hurts me to think of her hurting herself and falling apart. the amount of pain she's put me through and the ways she has treated me makes it difficult to wish her happiness, but i still have very strong feelings about her and it hurts me to know she is bringing pain and difficulty on herself. it's out of my hands. she chose to no longer be a part of my life, to be my wife. this it not the life i wanted, but these are the cards in my hand now and i have to try and find the best way to play them. G-d help both of us.

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