i go out on a party, to look for a little fun
but i find a darkened corner, 'cause i still miss someone
not that i've ever been much of a social butterfly, but d4mn do i get lonely now. tamara was my constant companion, and there was a lot of security in that. i'd pretty much forgetten what it used to be like, going places and feeling like i was completely alone all the time. now i find i'm all by myself with very few friends and even fewer social circles, and unfortunately i'm not much of a joiner (i'm sure that comes as a surprise to those of you who know me ;). i really would like to be able to get involved in some kind of xian circles, but there are a few problems:  i don't really like church culture,  as earlier mentioned, i'm not much of a joiner,  i don't take the initiative in social settings (which has always been true of me), and  i don't know of any i'd be excited about getting involved with.
i've been going to houston first baptist with jack and sue, and it's okay. they just recently started a sunday evening service, more "modern" and "hip" or whatever. but contemporary worship music is still worship music i don't like, even if it's got more drums and louder guitars and more energy. at least greg (the pastor) seems fairly intelligent and sometimes has some good stuff to say. sometimes i think i should try to get more involved somehow, and sometimes i think i should just give up and stop going.
still, i tend to think the problem isn't so much church as it is me. i'm not sure what it is i need or think i need, but i'm not finding it. if i took the initiative to meet some people, who knows what might happen? but instead i just wait for something to happen, and rarely does it. which means i'll go through the rest of my life jaded and lonely and wishing things were different, which is kind of stupid... but that's me i guess.