remember that time i said i was perusing match.com and ran across a photo in someone's profile where it looked like tamara was taking their picture in the mirror? well, i've gotten a negatory on it being tamara from several people. anyway, i include it here for informational purposes:
i still think it looks a lot like tamara. or maybe what tamara looks like in my mind. i wonder who this person is?
and now re-use of material from an as-of-yet unsent email:
to be honest, i'm still in a fragile place as far as my life goes. sometimes i feel like i'm moving on, sometimes i feel like my life is going nowhere and i don't know how i can move on. much of my sense of self was tied to my role of being married, of being and having a companion, and that void is difficult for me to deal with at times. the most important role of my life is gone and i've got nothing good to show for it, just memories and things to be sold or thrown away. and the great unknown of a future that may lead me absolutely nowhere. i try to hope for a better future, but sometimes i just get overwhelmed by the loss i've experienced, by my failings, by life. i want to move on, but sometimes i'm so fixated on my loss, my failure, i can't see past it. i hope for a better future. i pray for happiness. i'm just not sure how or where it will come. i'm seeking focus, purpose, meaning, but it seems to be something transient, vaporous, that eludes my grasp even as i think i have taken hold of it, even in that very moment.
it seems like i need to find peace with myself before trying to find solace in others, but at the same time me focusing on myself is most likely not the best way to get past the stuff i am dealing with.