i keep writing entries and then never saving them as drafts or anything. then inevitably my computer crashes or reboots (work...a pc) or i forget and close the window (mac...at home). and then the moment i was in when i wrote the entry is gone, the mood is gone, and the text is gone. it's generally not much of a loss i guess, just more whiny, sad ramblings about the brokeness of my life and my inability to seem to really get past it all.
i was planning on trying to clean the house this weekend, since i don't really want tamara to come over to pick up her stuff and see the house in a bad state and feel good about choosing to leave me. like it really matters, huh? *laugh* but still.... however, i ended up going to church with sue and their kids, then eating at their house with them and marty and christine. then brad called and he and kelly were going riding, so they came over. so i spent the rest of the day and night riding around. we went to an icehouse out on westheimer for a couple of hours (it's actually the farm-to-market at that point, i guess) near mason road, then back to jack and sue's for a few hours, then to catbird's for a couple of hours (at westheimer and montrose).
after i got back home, jack came over to pick up the tiger install disk. i showed him where i've had tamara's stuff set aside for the last (nearing) two years, since i guess he's going to be the one coming over with tamara to observe/help her get her stuff on tuesday evening. he talked to me about all of that, about how i really just need to get everything related to tamara out of my life and move on, then also about what's going on with tamara.
from everything i can tell, she's pretty messed up. she's basically become many of the things she used to dislike about other people. the problem is, i feel like it's because she's mentally ill, and i keep thinking maybe she'll snap out of it or realize what's going on and work at becoming normal and honorable again, and maybe be like the person i fell in love with and married. i guess that doesn't seem too likely though. and even if she did, i guess it'd probably be too late for us anyway.
i just don't know how to express how much it grieves my heart to hear about what kind of person she seems to have become. to hear about how it looks like she's surrounded herself with people that hardly care about her, but that are her "friends" now. about how she's most likely driving herself into a huge hole. even if there could never be anything between us again, it crushes me to hear that she is probably spiraling downward...either oblivious to her destruction or pushing it along in self-enforced ignorance.
the fact is, my marital vows to her, my ties to her, my love for her...they meant so much to me...and i'm really having a hard time turning them off and giving up. why is it the person that i love so much has inflicted so much pain on me and is very possibly destroying herself? G-d, please protect her and give her peace and guide her toward Your love. it seems so absurd for me to feel this way after everything she has put me through over the last couple of years, but i can't help but cry when i think about her confused and screwed up and hurt and alone. why is this how things have to be? i loved her. i loved her and it doesn't matter except to cause me pain.