flight club

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a couple of days ago i was lounging at my friend jack's new studio, where i noticed a sample photo book on his coffee table. it's the photo book some people get done for whatever event...usually, like in this instance, a wedding. so i opened it up and was looking at the bride and groom. i had the impression the groom looked sort of familiar for some reason, but i brushed it aside. flipping the page, i was looking at the bride and bride's maids. i looked at each of their faces. nothing. then i noticed one of them had tattoos. then i realized i recognized the tattoos. yup, it was tamara. she has lost an amazing amount of weight...skinny like her elbows and wrists and shoulders jut out of her skin. i didn't even recognize her face or body. bizarre. then i realized the groom was one of the philosophy grad students tamara went to school at uofh with. flipping the page, i was looking at the groom and groom's men. that's when i noticed alistair isaac (the guy tamara had the affair with). he was the "best man" (ain't that a misuse of terminology for him). sick curiousity got the best of me, so instead of putting the book down i looked through the rest of it. a couple of pics of tamara, a few pics of alistair, then there they were -- the "happy" couple sitting together in a chair.

i would like to say seeing the pics really screwed me up emotionally, but the fact is my norm is being screwed up emotionally these days, so it really didn't do too much. i mean...it's sort of like being numb, completely physically exhausted, ears fuzzy but ringing, eyes blurred, watery, unfocused, and you're trying to decide if it's time to stop listening to that strong internal survival instinct and just let go.

i feel i'm at a precipice, on the edge of something big. something. or perhaps it's an illusion and there is nothing out there, on the other side.

i think the early stages of the fire -- the brilliant external display -- have passed, and now it is internal, hidden, slowly consuming everything. either i will rise anew like a phoenix from the ashes...or i'll just be dead.

4 Comments

Odd that Jack didn't mention this before you started leafing through it, no?? At least it seems kinda odd from over here ::pointing at Nova Lair::

See? This is what we were talking about - the whole pain produces poetry thing. Not that you care or were trying, but this is some truly beautiful stuff. However, as usual, I'm sorry it was induced by such unhappy experiences.

Bring on the phoenix.

jack wasn't in the room when i started looking at it. he came in a few minutes later, after i was already into it. besides, i think he knows pretty well how i feel about all of this.

Hmmm......I'm a little confused - all I meant was that it seems odd to me that you never knew that he had such a photo album until you found it on your own. It seems like that would have been something that would have been mentioned at an earlier time.

Unless, by saying that he "knows pretty well how [you] feel about all of this", you meant that he intentionally did NOT want to mention it to you for fear of upsetting you.
And if that is what you meant, then I can kinda understand what you said.

And it is ALL about me and how much I understand, dontchaknow.

i knew he had done a wedding for a friend of tamara. i don't remember him stating that she was in the wedding, or that alistair was in the wedding, or that alistair was the "best" man. maybe he did, maybe not...sometimes these days i'm not sure of what i know and don't know, what i've been told and what i haven't, etc., when it comes to tamara. my mind avoids, processes, modifies, or fixates on things related to her at random i think.

i'm not sure if i knew he did a photo book for that wedding or not. even if i did, i didn't know that was it when i picked it up to look through it. and jack wasn't in the room to let me know. it was probably just one of his more recent photo books, or maybe one that turned out nice, so that's the one he had sitting on the end table in the reception area of his studio for potential customers to look at.

i think jack usually tries to avoid showing me pics of her, whether they are current or old. but he also knows i have pics of her myself, some around my house, so i don't think he feels it's of dire importance to keep me from seeing a picture of her.

he also probably usually avoids talking about her much. every now and then i learn something, but usually it's negative. it may be that he's filtering for me and only telling me the bad, or it may be that most of what he knows about is actually bad. which wouldn't really surprise me, honestly.

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