a couple of days ago i was lounging at my friend jack's new studio, where i noticed a sample photo book on his coffee table. it's the photo book some people get done for whatever event...usually, like in this instance, a wedding. so i opened it up and was looking at the bride and groom. i had the impression the groom looked sort of familiar for some reason, but i brushed it aside. flipping the page, i was looking at the bride and bride's maids. i looked at each of their faces. nothing. then i noticed one of them had tattoos. then i realized i recognized the tattoos. yup, it was tamara. she has lost an amazing amount of weight...skinny like her elbows and wrists and shoulders jut out of her skin. i didn't even recognize her face or body. bizarre. then i realized the groom was one of the philosophy grad students tamara went to school at uofh with. flipping the page, i was looking at the groom and groom's men. that's when i noticed alistair isaac (the guy tamara had the affair with). he was the "best man" (ain't that a misuse of terminology for him). sick curiousity got the best of me, so instead of putting the book down i looked through the rest of it. a couple of pics of tamara, a few pics of alistair, then there they were -- the "happy" couple sitting together in a chair.
i would like to say seeing the pics really screwed me up emotionally, but the fact is my norm is being screwed up emotionally these days, so it really didn't do too much. i mean...it's sort of like being numb, completely physically exhausted, ears fuzzy but ringing, eyes blurred, watery, unfocused, and you're trying to decide if it's time to stop listening to that strong internal survival instinct and just let go.
i feel i'm at a precipice, on the edge of something big. something. or perhaps it's an illusion and there is nothing out there, on the other side.
i think the early stages of the fire -- the brilliant external display -- have passed, and now it is internal, hidden, slowly consuming everything. either i will rise anew like a phoenix from the ashes...or i'll just be dead.