complexity and isolation

life is such a complex thing. and unfortunately, i suppose, my mind seems to have problems dealing with that complexity. i don't think i'm mentally ill, but perhaps my personality and traits make it difficult for me to face life as well as others. better than some, i suppose. i am very much an idealist, and i believe in absolutes, but i believe the world is much more complex than most people are willing to admit to themselves. not only a near infinite number of shades of grey between black and white, but also a full spectrum of colour. and there is truth and beauty that is lost by those who try to simplify it to all black and white. unfortunately, the inherent messiness and complexity of life make it rather difficult to be much of an idealist. which makes being a realist seem much more palatable. even more unfortunately, trying to be a realist while really being an idealist turns one into a pessimist. or at least it does me. so there i am.

there is a scene in true romance where clarence stops an elevator and pulls a gun on elliot blitzer (a weak, whiny, annoying character everyone loves to hate) and has elliot on his knees while clarence is yelling he's going to blow his brains out if elliot doesn't tell him what is waiting for them in the room they're headed to. clarence's wife alabama and friend are not aware of clarence's intention, so they are freaking out and screaming for him to stop and not kill him and to be reasonable. elliot has secretly been wired by the cops and they told him he'd be safe, and he can't take it any more. he breaks down and starts saying how he doesn't want to be there anymore and he doesn't want to do this and he wishes someone would come and take him away and someone would come and rescue him. he's crying and begging for his life and wishing this weren't real and he were somewhere else.

that's how i feel about my life right now. i'm elliot, the world is clarence, and clarence's friends are my friends. i guess that would make G-d the cops.

in a similar vein, from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind:
joel: can you hear me? i don't want this anymore! i want to call it off!

everyone should watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. whether you come away feeling positive or negative (and i think both are equally possible, even for the same person depending on the day), it's almost guaranteed to make you feel something deep (assuming you can get past the complexity of the timeline and the quirkiness of the main characters and suspend belief long enough to accept the premise. and some of the situations/language, for you moral puritans).

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