torn asunder...the book. found.

note: this is one of a number of entries that were lost in a server crash, followed by a desktop crash, back in late 2004. on march 1, 2009, i happened on a cache file on the crashed desktop hard drive, so i am reloading all of the entries with their original date and time values intact for posterity.

i managed to get into a xian bookstore without being attacked or flying into an uncontrollable rage. the fact they had two copies of the david carder book i was looking for helped. i bought them, went back to the house, started reading some of it, called tamara and let her know that i procured a couple, and she came over and got hers. we talked for awhile, but as with most conversations we have i don't know that it was really any good for either of us. i both want and don't want details, both want and don't want to talk. she's not in any sort of decision-making seat -- other than to leave me -- so if she doesn't want that then she sort of just has to sit around and wait for me to do something.

after she left i broke down and cried for awhile. at least that's happening less often now.

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